Marauders 101: An Inside Guide
by n33n
Summary: My deepest, most heartfelt congratulations! You have, inevitably stumbled upon this book. It is no ordinary book...in fact, it...well, what are you waiting for? OPEN UP! [COMPLETE]
1. Preface

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

* * *

Ahh, I just got this idea randomly right before I went to sleep, so it's a wonder that I still remember it!

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

* * *

**PLEASE NOTE: CHAPTERS WILL NOT BE THIS SHORT. THIS IS ONLY AN INTRODUCTION**.

* * *

**Preface

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts**

Hullo there! This is Messrs Wormtail, _Moony_, Padfoot, and **Prongs** here. Or is it? _Shut your mouth, please, Padfoot, before I am forced to stick this pointy eagle quill up your arse and make you suffer from an internal infection. _**Yes, it is most definitely the magnificent, marvelous, mesmerizing, mysterious, and very magical Marauders**.

_You have inevitably discovered what is perhaps considered the most sacred book in the whole of Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Yes, it even ousts Hogwarts, A History regarding importance._

_First of all, we would like to give you utmost congratulations for finding this, considering the tricky enchantments and spells we have placed on this object. _

_Now, we will give you an introduction to what you will find in this tiny, but ultimately valuable book. _

That was dear Loony Moony writing in the italics. A good job he did, eh? So now, this is how we will be writing for the remainder of the book: Wormtail will be bland (sorry, pal), with absolutely no effects. Loony Moony's will be in italics, mine underlined because every single word of mine is so relevant that it must be underlined, of course. And dear Prongsie's is in bold. Ta ta!

Hi, I'm Pe—--scratched out words here--, I'm Wormtail! Er—I'm not quite sure what to write in here, so I will ask how your health is? Good? Oh, well, here's Prongs. He seems a bit frustrated. Did I spell that correctly?

**Beg pardon for Wormtail's blunderings; he does not really not how to write a book. Fear not, it is _I_, the beloved stag, Prongs. We will dedicate one chapter to each Marauder's profile. We will arrange this according to seniority. Quiet, sensitive Wormtail, being the youngest, will go first, then intellectualist and clever Moony, then dumb-arse, but lovable Padfoot, and finally me (the best--**scratched out words: possibly 'worst', then 'best', then 'worst' above the word 'best', then a 'hah!--** for last, eh?), the very well-liked and exceedingly handsome Prongs! **

_We will each personally write a short summary about us, and then the rest of the Marauders will contribute what they have to say about said Marauder of the chapter. _

By the way, if you're female, please leave your name in the back of this book, where there is approximately 12 out of 15600 spots left.

**If your name is Lily Evans…LILY, I LOVE YOU. **

_Er, right. Moving right along…_

Can we say goodbye now? I'm hungry.

Tuck in!

* * *

Author's Note:

I know it's extremely short, but fear not, the others will be quite long, considering the amounts of stuff I will be putting in them.

Just an overview of what the chapters will be like…is it confusing? The format, I mean.

Please leave a review if you'd like for this to continue! If I get enough reviews soon, I will work on this as well as the other stories. If not, well, it'll be a while before I update this again. I just wanted to know if people liked the idea.

**I accept anonymous reviews**!

P.S. Kudos to _Sylvia Snape_ for finding the typo! Yes, I do suppose Remus is more intelligent…grins.

P.P.S. If anyone knows if the strikethrough tag is permitted (I don't think so…sob) , please tell me. I'm trying to find a good way to show 'revision/editing' in the book. Thanks!


	2. I: Wormtail

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

* * *

Okay, I fibbed. These are going to be shorter than my usual length…But better, I hope?

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

* * *

**Part One.

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts**

**I: Wormtail

* * *

**

Um, hi there! I'm part of the group called the Marauders, and my name is Wormtail. We're currently writing this book for our fangirls…and…Prongs?

**Well, apparently, Wormtail can't think of much more to write, so we will resort to this fixed survey-like thing to allow you to get a much better and complete grasp at what he has to offer about himself…**

**THE SURVEY**

Name: Wormtail. That's all I can give. My mommy told me not to give out my real name in these types of things to strangers, so…I'm sorry!

Nicknames: Wormy, Rat-boy. I think Padfoot called me…Earswax once in our second year?

Birthday: February 18th.

Hair Color: I think it used to be this washed out blond. Or maybe it looked more like a pale brown. I dunno, it was so very long ago. Prongs experiments on me for Snivellus's new hairdo of the day, so, it's currently a pale purple with spiky braids. Lilac. It's _really_ pretty!

Eye Color: Watercolor Blue. I like to think they're my best feature—they're always so watery!

Height: 5' 1'', I think. Unless I'm in high heels, then I'm about 5' 4''. Those shoes really do make a difference, don't they?

Favorite Color: Yellow, hands down. It's the color of the best things this world has: daisies, the sun, Snitches, and best of all--_forgotten pee droplets on the toilet rim_.

Favorite Food: Pickled pig tails. With olives. And a dash of cream cheese on the side. Mm.

Favorite Phrase: Umm…I like Padfoot's trusty pick-up line, "You're hot, I'm hot. Let's snog."

Favorite Sport: Quidditch…that's the only sport wizards play, right? Besides, I like watching Prongs play—he's so good at _everything_! Even Seekering, which he's not even supposed to do.

Pets: Umm, I think I had a frog once. Maybe I ate it when I was sleeping.

Piercings: Nope.

Tattoos: I have a merperson on the right side of my back. It even sings when I'm in the shower.

Broken Any Bones: No.

Been Shot/Stabbed: Padfoot's accidentally shot me with something from Zonko's…and Moony's repeatedly stabbed me with his pointy eagle quill that he threatened Padfoot with.

Girlfriend: No one right now, but since I've heard that all of the girls like the _Marauders_, I guess I'm a hot item, right? Maybe I can finally ask out that cute Gryffindor girl that's sometimes here…I think Emilie was her name. She's really pretty. She could pass for Padfoot's sister—that's how pretty she is. That means I think Padfoot's pretty too, by the way.

Likes To: Watch Prongs play with the Snitch he stole from the Quidditch cupboard on March 29th. It's so cool! Umm…doing Dark Arts on the side and betraying people…ha, ha. Just joking, of course.

Favorite Marauder: Ooh, that's a toughie. I think probably Prongs, because he's so cool with the whole Snitch catching thing! That is amazing. Padfoot's cool too, and so very handsome. Moony is very nice and lets me copy his homework. I like them all.

Funniest Marauder: Padfoot? He guffaws in a way that's quite amusing, I must admit.

Prettiest Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

Most Handsome Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

Loudest Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

Craziest Marauder: (Prongs said if I wrote 'Ooh, Padfoot' one more time, he was going to stab me with his finger which is covered with some weird substance that I'm not quite sure what it is, so…) Oh, Padfoot!

Most Shy: Me.

Most Loving: Um, Moony?

Most Understanding: Moony.

Most Boring: Probably me. I don't have any maddening skills, so..

Richest: Prongs, most likely, with a close coming with Padfoot.

Most Athletic: Prongs. Padfoot still has a bit of pudge on his sides (but he's still very handsome!)

Most Cocky: Prongs and Padfoot, when they're surrounded by girls.

Biggest Sex Icon: Padfoot.

**What Do You Think About When You Hear…**

Cucumber: Pickles.

Cupboard: Prongs nicking that Snitch.

Collar: Padfoot desperately needs one.

Catapult: Please don't use me as a flinging object..

Cat: Padfoot's dinner. (Why are all these 'c' words?)

Corn: Cornbread.

Chocolate: Moony's indulgences.

Chiropractor: Er, what?

Chipmunk: Cute, fuzzy animal.

Cookies: Stars.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Ooh, I think it'll have to be that time I let out this _huge_, **massively** watery fart in the Great Hall in front of _everyone_. Even worse, James was experimenting with the _Sonorus_ spell and the sound of my squeaky, high-pitched, and liquidy fart could be heard all around the room…

Murdered Anyone Lately: Er, I dunno. I think I squished a water bug with my purple high heel (it matched my hair) when I was frolicking outside, looking for purple-colored flowers. I'll hold a funeral for it later, honest.

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: That was fun! Can I do it again?

**I'm afraid not in here, Wormtail. We've got a good idea about you now. You can do that on the parchment lying underneath Padfoot's bed with mold-crusted corners while we add in our comments to your survey.**

Okay!

* * *

Author's Note:

Well, I updated! Next will be the commentary by the Marauders for this chapter…

**IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAMES SECTION IN THE BACK OF THIS 'BOOK' (READ THE PREFACE IN CASE YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT), PLEASE LEAVE THE NAME YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE IN A REVIEW. I WILL COMPILE THEM, AND IT WILL BE IN THE LAST ENTRY OF THIS STORY. AFTER I HAVE POSTED THE FINAL ENTRY OF THE STORY, I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE NAMES TO THE LIST. Sorry. **

Thanks to _HawnPotter _for this lovely idea! Hopefully, it'll be a success.

**I accept anonymous reviews**!


	3. I: Marauders' Commentary

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

* * *

Normal: Peter

Underlined: Sirius

**Bold:** James

_Italics:_ Remus

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**Part Two. **

**

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts**

**I: Commentary **

**

* * *

**

-Name: Wormtail. That's all I can give. My mommy told me not to give out my real name in these types of things to strangers, so…I'm sorry!

(Aww, look at that! Wormy's listening to his dear old mum! **Cute. **_You know, I think it's quite good that he's developed this habit…what if he accidentally runs into a vampire at that dodgy pub in Hogsmeade? Arrr. _Bahah! You're funny, Moony. Vampires? I vill eat you alive! **Er..**)

-

-Nicknames: Wormy, Rat-boy. I think Padfoot called me…Earswax once in our second year?

(Yeah, I did. And I also called you Butt Digger and Mustard, but I don't think you heard that part… **Padfoot, you're so inspirational with nicknames, honestly. I don't see where you get them. **_Prongs, don't encourage him. I already have a myriad of useless names. _Party pooperanza. _SEE? Prongs, back me up! _**That was bloody brilliant of you, Padfoot**!)

-

-Birthday: February 18th.

(Er…oops? **Judging from what you've just said, Padfoot…you didn't get him presents either? Moony? **_It seems that irregular, quite ordinary dates such as February 18th are included in my frequent memory lapses_. Excuses, excuses, Moony. When will you ever learn? **Yeah, a shoddy memory, eh, Moony? How come you have Hogwarts, A History memorized then? Hmm…that sounded suspiciously like an excuse, even if I didn't fully understand the lingo..)**

**-**

-Hair Color: I think it used to be this washed out blond. Or maybe it looked more like a pale brown. I dunno, it was so very long ago. Prongs experiments on me for Snivellus's new hairdo of the day, so, it's currently a pale purple with spiky braids. Lilac. It's _really_ pretty!

(**Oho! I look forward to changing his hair every single day. The color, no matter what, always clashes horribly with his complexion…**_It was pale brown before, Wormtail, I remember. _No memory lapse, eh? _Padfoot, I still have my eagle quill armed and ready. _Ouch. **Anyways, don't you think the current hair color is ingenious? **It's quite lovely. _It looks far better on Snivellus, I'm afraid to say. _BLOOD TRAITOR! EMBARASSMENT TO OUR NAME—**That's enough, Padfoot. Besides, Moony was joking**. Oh. Oops. _You seem to say that a lot, don't you?_)

-

-Eye Color: Watercolor Blue. I like to think they're my best feature—they're always so watery!

(**No, not your eyes. Your best feature would have to be your…er…ear? **_Do specify which, Prongs_. RIGHT! Remember that time when I made that baby alligator snip on his right ear the entire day…oh me! _Merlin_.)

-

-Height: 5' 1'', I think. Unless I'm in high heels, then I'm about 5' 4''. Those shoes really do make a difference, don't they?

(_Apparently, Wormtail has a fetish for heels. Were any of you aware of this beforehand? _**Er…well. **ME! I forced him into them when we were playing dress up in first year, and I must say, he's loved them since. _And what about you, Padfoot_? **Yeah, do you like heels too? **I live for them, dears. And that slinky red number of mine.)

-

-Favorite Color: Yellow, hands down. It's the color of the best things this world has: daisies, the sun, Snitches, and best of all--_forgotten pee droplets on the toilet rim_.

(_Were any of you also aware that Wormtail liked to look at toilet seats for unwiped pee? _**Ohh, so _that's _why he always took so long to pee…blimey. I thought he had a bladder problem or something. **What does he do? Does he sniff them, lick them off, or _worse_, wipe it off? _Worse? Don't you mean better_? No. Decent men do not lower themselves down to these servile manners. We ignore the pee droplets and if our –ahem- thing should happen to touch them, sucker! **I dunno what he does actually. Though I've heard him say 'Mmm' more than once.**)

-

-Favorite Food: Pickled pig tails. With olives. And a dash of cream cheese on the side. Mm.

(_Errgh_. _No comment_. Those things are good. Just not together. And cross out the pickled pig tails. **Well, Wormtail does have a weird sense of taste, doesn't he?**)

-

-Favorite Phrase: Umm…I like Padfoot's trusty pick-up line, "You're hot, I'm hot. Let's snog."

(Works like a charm every time. Hasn't failed me yet. _Oh? I can't imagine women being so unintelligent to fall for that line_. **Sorry, Moony, I've seen him at work. It _does _work, amazingly enough. **Hah! I made it up myself too…though girls usually come zooming with just a flick of my hair. _Insufferable pillock._)

-

-Favorite Sport: Quidditch…that's the only sport wizards play, right? Besides, I like watching Prongs play—he's so good at _everything_! Even Seekering, which he's not even supposed to do.

(**Ahem, no more words are needed here…though the correct terminology would be Seeking, not Seekering. **HEY! I'm a bloody good Quidditch player too. Damn stag. You take all the glory. **People love me. **_Arrogant prats. _We love you bunches too, Moony.)

-

-Pets: Umm, I think I had a frog once. Maybe I ate it when I was sleeping.

(Yeah, that was me. _What was you_? _I fear what you are about to say_. **Wormtail's mouth was hanging wiiiiiide open, and we couldn't resist. **_NO! You DIDN'T! _I stuffed it down Wormtail's throat, and he gulped it down. _ANIMAL CRUELTY! INHUMANE, I DECLARE! _**Oh, stuff it, Moony. It was a fake frog anyways**. _PLASTIC! IT DOESN'T RECYCLE EASILY! IT TAKES YEARS, MIND YOU, YEARS! _Moony, Moony, Moony. You forgot something. It's _Wormtail's_ digestive tract we're talking about. _Good point_.)

-

-Piercings: Nope.

(How uninteresting. _Frankly, I'd be disturbed if Wormtail happened to have any piercings. _**I could've sworn he went and pierced his left buttock…he couldn't sit right for ages that week last year. Or maybe…**_Urgh, say no more._)

-

-Tattoos: I have a merperson on the right side of my back. It even sings when I'm in the shower.

(_HE WHAT? TATTOO? Little Wormtail? _I know, right! That's not right, even _I _don't have anything on the right side of my back. **Oops, I always thought he was an awful singer. Guess it was the merperson's screeching. **No, he really does sing badly too. He sings along to the songs in the shower. _That high-pitched voice? _The one and only. **Oh. I thought some girl sneaked in to watch us shower or something and was serenading us. **If only, Prongs, if only.)

-

-Broken Any Bones: No.

(Again, how uninteresting. **Lucky toerag. **_Blessed he is_.)

-

-Been Shot/Stabbed: Padfoot's accidentally shot me with something from Zonko's…and Moony's repeatedly stabbed me with his pointy eagle quill that he threatened Padfoot with.

(Ahaha, that was brilliant, I must admit! And the blood was so realistic. He looked so pale! _It was real blood, Padfoot. _Bugger! Oops? **Sigh, violence solves nothing, my friends**. _I am thinking that something involving me shoving this pointed eagle quill up your nose very painfully will shut you up. Am I in agreement_? **Er—but, the fact that 'MOONY IS ALWAYS RIGHT' overrides everything, even 'the violence solves nothing.' **_Good_. Yes, even dear, quiet, sensible Moony has a nasty, temperamental side to him. GASP! _Ahem, I strongly encourage you to shut up now, Padfoot, before you regret it deeply._)

-

-Girlfriend: No one right now, but since I've heard that all of the girls like the _Marauders_, I guess I'm a hot item, right? Maybe I can finally ask out that cute Gryffindor girl that's sometimes here…I think Emilie was her name. She's really pretty. She could pass for Padfoot's sister—that's how pretty she is. That means I think Padfoot's pretty too, by the way.

(**Why are you looking like that, Padfoot? It's a compliment! You're looking a bit pale.. **_Of course he is…he's worried, right now, can't you see that? _Wormtail—he's in love with me. **Supercilious prick, of course he's not. He loves Emilie. He just said you were pretty. No need to get a full head**. You don't understand…Emilie was a dare between Moony and me. Emilie…is _me_! **Oh. Crap. Better not let him read our commentary. That can't be good. **AHHHHHHHHHHH!)

-

-Likes To: Watch Prongs play with the Snitch he stole from the Quidditch cupboard on March 29th. It's so cool! Umm…doing Dark Arts on the side and betraying people…ha, ha. Just joking, of course.

(**I am gifted. There is zero doubt about it. **_Arrogant prat_. That, is officially, Moony's phrase of the moment. '_Ouch, I'm never going to be able to procreate again' is going to be your phrase of the moment if you don't stuff your mouth_. Touché. **Wormtail likes his little joke. **That's about as funny as it gets. Har, har.)

-

-Favorite Marauder: Ooh, that's a toughie. I think probably Prongs, because he's so cool with the whole Snitch catching thing! That is amazing. Padfoot's cool too, and so very handsome. Moony is very nice and lets me copy his homework. I like them all.

(THAT'S ME! ADORABLE, LICKABLE, HUGGABLE ME! **Shut up, Padfoot. He likes my Snitch-catching-skills that undoubtedly, you do not have. Sucker. **_I'm a bit soft, aren't I? That was sweet, Wormtail._)

-

-Funniest Marauder: Padfoot? He guffaws in a way that's quite amusing, I must admit.

(Is he insulting my laugh? **Sounds like it. **_You do have an interesting sound that comes out of your gullet, so…_Harrumph. **HA, HA! **_Oh, dear, that was a hilarious sound he just made_!)

-

-Prettiest Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

(_And we all know why_. _Emilie dearest. _I'm not a pretty boy! I'm handsome and adorable and hot! **Keep saying that, Padfoot. It just might stick. **_Aw, embrace your inner feminism, Padfoot. It might do you some good._)

-

-Most Handsome Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

(There we go! _It seems that Wormtail is a bit obsessed with someone…I think Padfoot shouldn't be slightly worried at all_. **I agree. Just a tiny, eensy bit. No worries there. **I get the idea. What can I say? My charisma goes far in all directions. **Hah! **_Hah!_)

-

-Loudest Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

(Hmm…this could be considered as an insult. **Live with it, Paddy. **_Wormtail's quite correct in this assumption. Padfoot does have the loudest snores I've ever heard. Oh, and don't forget the very loud droolings at night_.)

-

-Craziest Marauder: (Prongs said if I wrote 'Ooh, Padfoot' one more time, he was going to stab me with his finger which is covered with some weird substance that I'm not quite sure what it is, so…) Oh, Padfoot!

(**That's right, I was**. What _was _the unknown substance on your fingers? **Pudding**. Pudding, or _pudding_? _Perverted boy_. **Pudding, I insist**. Suuure.)

-

-Most Shy: Me.

(Aww. Ickle Wormy. **Lay off, Padfoot. **_Shyness is not necessarily a bad attribute_.)

-

-Most Loving: Um, Moony?

(AWW! LET'S ALL GIVE MOONY A BIG GROUP HUG! _Come any nearer to me, and I will dangle you upside down by your feet and bounce you repeatedly on the marble ground._ **Snort! Loving, my foot. **Party pooperanza.)

-

-Most Understanding: Moony.

(More like most understanding of how to use unnecessary violence. People honestly misjudge Moony. Scary, he is.** Agreed. Deeply in agreement of this statement. Do not be fooled, young ones!** _AHEM_.)

-

-Most Boring: Probably me. I don't have any maddening skills, so..

(_Ohh, look at him! He has such a sad lack of confidence. Go tell him something nice, Padfoot_. Okay. "OY, WORMY! Your butt looks less flabby than usual!" **Har, he's stupid, that one**. I know. You would –think- that he would at least try and tone up his buttocks a bit, but… **I wasn't talking about him. **Oh, but Moony's really so intelligent! Look at his grades! Do you need another vision screening, Prongs?** Dumb-arse. I'm talking about you**. Ohh. _Forget it, Prongs. It's a lost cause._ **Affirmed**.)

-

-Richest: Prongs, most likely, with a close coming with Padfoot.

(**I'm bloody loaded. **Yeah, how else do you think he gets his grades? _That's a strong accusation there, Padfoot. Don't you think…_ **He's right. **_Oh. _Yep. **HA! Just joking, of course**. You're actually that smart? Blimey!)

-

-Most Athletic: Prongs. Padfoot still has a bit of pudge on his sides (but he's still very handsome!)

(OH MY MERLIN! I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS OUTRAGEOUSLY PUT DOWN IN MY LIFE BEFORE! _PUDGE_? IS HE BLIND? PUDGE! PUDGE! WHY, I'M GOING TO _PUDGE_ HIM! **Padfoot, calm down. He's talking about your lovehandles. **Lovehandles? I can handle love fine myself, thanks. Now about that pudge nonsense!_ What's that extra skin hanging off your sides then_? **Har, har. **It's—it's anything BUT pudge! **Fat? **NOO! I'm lean, muscular, and FIT! **You spelled that wrong, Padfoot. It's an 'a' instead of an 'i'. **_Ha. _F-A---OH, NO YOU DON'T! You thought I was going to fall for that and put 'fat'—bugger.)

-

-Most Cocky: Prongs and Padfoot, when they're surrounded by girls.

(_Even without girls…how true, how true_. Can't help it. It's in our genetic makeup. The girls—they're just all so very flattering that you start believing everything. **Which, of course, are all true**. _Arrogant prats. _You used your phrase of the moment again! OUCH! I'm never going to be able to procreate again! **Padfoot, when will you learn? Moony means _business_**.)

-

-Biggest Sex Icon: Padfoot.

(GRINS. Of course. Everyone can't get enough of me. **Har, har, this is an incredibly funny joke!** _Only people in the wrong set of mind would ever consider Padfoot as a sex icon, I'm afraid…_)

-

**What Do You Think About When You Hear…**

-Cucumber: Pickles.

(_Good thinking. _Ooh, I love pickles! **Yum**.)

-

-Cupboard: Prongs nicking that Snitch.

(**Legendary moment. What else can I say? **_PRAT, I SAY!_ You forgot the arrogant part this time…OUCH!)

-

-Collar: Padfoot desperately needs one.

(I resent this! I am perfectly safe without one! There are no dangers coming my way, thanks. **I don't think he means that things will harm you, Padfoot. **Oh. _More like you're a danger to all of society_. HEY.)

-

-Catapult: Please don't use me as a flinging object..

(He just read my mind! **Aww, there goes that prank**. _I was going to use him as a tester on my latest invention for Padfoot torture devices_.)

-

-Cat: Padfoot's dinner. (Why are all these 'c' words?)

(Feline delicacies, mmm. _Sickening_. **Seriously. **Oh, but I am Sirius! Har. **Funny**. _Witty_. **I dunno with all the 'c' words…that's weird.**)

-

-Corn: Cornbread.

(_So original…notice the sarcasm_. I like cornbread. **You like _anything_, Padfoot, as long as it's edible and not rock solid**. That's not true! I like stale raspberry scones, and you know very well about that! _Sigh._)

-

-Chocolate: Moony's indulgences.

(_That's right, they are. If anyone dares to touch them…arrrr. _That was pitiful, Moony.** Besides, we've already gotten into them years ago. **_WHAT? I was saving them up, you two insufferable pricks!_)

-

-Chiropractor: Er, what?

(_Sigh. He should've taken Muggle Studies._ **And for what reason?** _So he would know what a chiropractor is!_ I'm in it, and I don't know what a chirey-tractor is. _Honestly, Padfoot, the writing's right there in front of you! How can you spell it wrong? Besides, you never pay attention in Muggle Studies, so I wouldn't be surprised that you didn't know it. _**So, what is it?** _Never mind_.)

-

-Chipmunk: Cute, fuzzy animal.

(Those cute little streaks that run around like they're on crack? Lovely little creatures! **Oh, dear. It seems that Padfoot knows a bit too much, eh? **_You **did** hide his stash of 'special' powder, did you? _**I hope so, Moony, I do hope so. **WHEEEE, CHIPPERY MUNKS! Hah! **Er…maybe not.**)

-

-Cookies: Stars.

(_That was rather random_. **Stars? Cookies? Cookies shaped like stars? Star-shaped cookies? **Stop it, Prongsie, you're confusing me. _Er, we'll leave it at that._)

-

-Most Embarrassing Moment: Ooh, I think it'll have to be that time I let out this _huge_, **massively** watery fart in the Great Hall in front of _everyone_. Even worse, James was experimenting with the _Sonorus_ spell and the sound of my squeaky, high-pitched, and liquidy fart could be heard all around the room…

(**Ahh, that was so hilarious! I'm very glad I was practicing at that time and place. Simply lovely! **Agreed, I've never laughed so hard in my life. _Truth to be told, that was one of the most disturbing moments I have ever had to endure in my life. But funny. _**BAHAHA, it just makes me laugh every time I think of it!**)

-

-Murdered Anyone Lately: Er, I dunno. I think I squished a water bug with my purple high heel (it matched my hair) when I was frolicking outside, looking for purple-colored flowers. I'll hold a funeral for it later, honest.

(Merlin! That's where my favorite pair of heels went to…I was looking for them! **Er, I'd rather not know that, Padfoot. Is this why we've had a numerous amount of pansies, mums, those weed flowers, and hydrangeas? **_Blerrrgh, those were dark times. My allergies were absolutely horrid_. My heels! He better not have gotten mud on them, or I will be forced to make him lick them clean!)

-

-Anything Else You'd Like to Add: That was fun! Can I do it again?

(That sounded **_remotely_** wrong.** I agree**. _Perverted-minded people_. But you agree too, Moony. _Hmm_.)

-

**Well, I think we've learned far too much about Wormtail in this particular chapter**. Oh, I know. I'm still absolutely itching to know where he hid my purple heels! They had such a cute plaid pattern. **Umm. Anyways, hopefully Moony's will be loads better and less disturbing**. _You can count on it, Prongs_.

Turn the page! 

* * *

Author's Note:

Loony Moony's next!

**IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAMES SECTION IN THE BACK OF THIS 'BOOK' (READ THE PREFACE IN CASE YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT), PLEASE LEAVE THE NAME YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE IN A REVIEW. I WILL COMPILE THEM, AND IT WILL BE IN THE LAST ENTRY OF THIS STORY. AFTER I HAVE POSTED THE FINAL ENTRY OF THE STORY, I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE NAMES TO THE LIST. Sorry. **

**I accept anonymous reviews**!


	4. II: Moony

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

* * *

**Part Three.

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts **

**II: Moony

* * *

**

_Hello there! I am Moony, part of the group known as the Marauders. I am well-known to be very studious, quiet, sensitive, observant, and aware of other people's moods and feelings. _**(And he's extremely intelligent. If he didn't have such high regard for books, he would be using them to wipe his buttocks with. _That_, is how smart he is, young one.)** _Don't mind Prongs, he's just babbling. _(Ever the gentleman, our Moony. And with his sandy brown hair and twinkling clear blue eyes, what girl can resist?) _Stop it, you two, you're making me blush. _Aww._ Anyways, I have an uncanny knack for picking out grammatically incorrect sentences, and I'm also known as the advice-giver of the group. _

_Enough of this introduction. Let's proceed with the survey, shall we? _

-

Name: _Moony. _

Nicknames: _Loony Moony. Moon Me! Mr. Moony. Moonster. Moony-poo. Ketchup. And of course, courtesy of Padfoot, Party Pooperanza._

Birthday: _November 4th._

Hair Color: _Just a simple sandy blond/brown. It's hard to see the discrepancy between the two. _

Eye Color: _Blue. I think my answers are quite boring compared to Wormtail's, aren't they? _

Height: _5' 7''. Okay, by now, I think I've been seriously boring you guys. My apologies. _

Favorite Color: _Hmm, I do not necessarily like any of the color spectrum, but if I must choose, it would be blue. It has a rather calming effect. _

Favorite Food: _Er, when I have a certain craving, it'd be steak. But when I'm not in that particular mood, it'd have to be chocolate. I know you are all staring at me thinking, chocolate is **not** a food. It's a snack or sweets or sugary substance. However, let me ask you a few questions. Does chocolate not give you calories? Calories, in turn give off heat energy to the body so it can carry out the processes needed for everyday living. Therefore, chocolate is a food, since food has calories. As a result, chocolate is a necessary and essential part of the human diet. I am passionately in the mind that chocolate needs its own food group. _

Favorite Phrase: _Eloquently speaking, it would be… "There isn't anything stuffed mushrooms can't do." Just kidding. It's " Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back." But when I'm talking in conversation, it would be, 'arrogant prats'. Do not let Padfoot read that line, or else he will launch into the 'Moony's phrase of the day!'. _

Favorite Sport: _I suppose Quidditch, though I don't play it much. _

Pets: _I have a very badly behaved rabbit. He's such a 'furry little problem.' _

Piercings: _Not that I'm aware of…though Padfoot probably has pierced something of mine while I was asleep. _

Tattoos: _I'm afraid I don't want a maniac to carve something into any part of my body, thanks. _

Broken Any Bones: _Yes. Padfoot's quite rough sometimes. The canine prick. _

Been Shot/Stabbed: _Loads of times. When the people you hang around with include Padfoot and Prongs, you get tested a lot for future pranks. It's a dangerous life I lead. _

Girlfriend: _I am not gay. However, I do not go out with anyone. Perhaps one day, you will find out why. _

Likes To: _Play around with dogs, stags, and rats. It's quite fun instead of being alone all the time. I also like to read, and yes I'm a dork, but I love to learn about new magic. There's something fascinating about using a wand.. _

Favorite Marauder: _Oh dear. Must I choose? Well, I'd have to say, Prongs. He's usually the most level-headed, excluding me, and he does strain quite a bit to make Lily notice him. Padfoot, I am going to say, can be a tad bit annoying. Funny, yes, but quite irritating at times. Wormtail…is too quiet. I don't really notice much about him. Correct me if I'm wrong, Wormtail. _

Funniest Marauder: _Padfoot. He does deliver the best lines, although he tends to act stupid most of the time. _

Prettiest Marauder: _Seeing as none of us are girls (though I admit, sometimes I wonder about Padfoot and his liking of heels…Wormtail as well), I will say no one. _

Most Handsome Marauder: _Because I am straight, and do not wish to have accusations hurled at me for thinking one Marauder is more handsome than the other, I will also omit this question. _

Loudest Marauder: _Padfoot. I am sorry to say that his raucous roars and shouting have caused partial deafness in my left ear. _

Craziest Marauder: _It seems that Padfoot is clearly the lucky winner once more. There is nothing that Padfoot **wouldn't** suggest or do. _

Most Shy: _Wormtail. _

Most Loving: _I am not the most loving creature inhabiting this surface, but judging out of us four Marauders and seeing that they care almost nothing about wasting parchment or recycling plastic, I would say me. _

Most Understanding: _Me, I suppose, since no one else seems this willing to give out free advice. Though no one takes them, really. _

Most Boring: _Sigh. Me, I think. I rarely make people laugh, since I'm so serious. Sorry. _

Richest: _Er, I'd say Prongs now, since Padfoot just got chucked out of his house…that was a sad time. He's still quite rich with his uncle's inheritance, I believe. (Don't let Padfoot read that, please.) _

Most Athletic: _Prongs. He does fly around every day and work out for at least three hours, so. Maybe lifting a couple of weights (one hundred pounds) each night for five hundred times will do the trick, Padfoot. I know how you like to think you're more athletic than Prongs, but.. _

Most Cocky: _There **is** a reason why I say 'arrogant prats'. The two 'P's of our group. Not that I'm naming anyone, of course.. _

Biggest Sex Icon: _I am not saying any names, in case some certain people get another dangerous swelling of the head region. _

**What Do You Think About When You Hear… **

Fruit: _Strawberries covered with chocolate. _

Foghorn: _Quite similar to the sound of Padfoot erupting flatulence from his lower back region. _

**F**iretr**uck**: _Ahem, a muggle red truck that comes to the aid of people regarding fire-created disasters. I do not see anything in bold, so…AHEM. _

Food: _Like I said before, chocolate. _

Flying: _Oddly enough, James and his prized broom zooming around the Quidditch pitch. _

Flaming Fire: _Padfoot is a pyromaniac. I do not think I need say anymore. _

Fart: _Padfoot has mastered the many different sounds these things can make simply by coming out of his buttocks. He'll tell the story of how he noticed that on different types of surfaces…I'll say no more. Sigh. _

Feudalism: _A political and economic system of Europe from the 9th to about the 15th century, based on the holding of all land in fief or fee and the resulting relation of lord to vassal and characterized by homage, legal and military service of tenants, and forfeiture. _

Flagpole: _It reminds me of the time Padfoot saw one of these in a muggle town and proceeded to fly up there and sit on it. The poor muggles… _

Fat: _Padfoot. I can see the look already. Please excuse me as I bolt out of the room as soon as I have finished this. _

Most Embarrassing Moment: _Mm, not sure. Probably the one being chased out of the library for bringing some chocolate to eat inside while thumbing through books. I can't live without the two requirements of my life…why do they deny me so? _

Murdered Anyone Lately: _Sometimes I have bouts of impulsiveness thrown upon me that tell me I would very much like to murder Padfoot. But I haven't. Yet. _

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: _Er, that was quite random, I must admit. I hope I will find myself not brutally murdered and clawed beyond recognition by the time the rest of the Marauders are through with the commentary business. Wish me luck. _

_-_

**Ohh, the commentary's next. Let's give dear ol' Moony an extra hard time, eh? I can't wait to read it. **Sounds fun!

Har, har! 

* * *

Author's Note: 

Well, I updated! Next will be the commentary by the Marauders for this chapter…

**IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAMES SECTION IN THE BACK OF THIS 'BOOK' (READ THE PREFACE IN CASE YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT), PLEASE LEAVE THE NAME YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE IN A REVIEW. I WILL COMPILE THEM, AND IT WILL BE IN THE LAST ENTRY OF THIS STORY. AFTER I HAVE POSTED THE FINAL ENTRY OF THE STORY, I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE NAMES TO THE LIST. Sorry. **

**YOU MAY ALSO ADD WHOEVER YOU LIKE THE MOST ALONG WITH YOUR NAME, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. PLEASE KEEP THIS VERY SHORT. MAX OF 10 WORDS. THANKS! **

Thanks to _HawnPotter _for this lovely idea! Hopefully, it'll be a success.

**I accept anonymous reviews**!

By the way, _Kyiana Shadowwisper_, you have my permission. Please tell me when you've posted the story! I would love to read it.

And if you haven't already, please check out my first one-shot, **_A Newt, Anyone_**? It's not as funny, but I wrote it anyways. Please give feedback. Thanks!


	5. II: Marauders' Commentary

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

* * *

**Part Four.**

**

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts **

****

**II: Commentary**

* * *

Name: _Moony. _

Ickle, ickle Moony! Hooray!** Heh, can't wait to read the rest!** Are we going to be mean to Moony? **Ahem, of course not! The mere suggestion of it all, _honestly_…**

_- _

Nicknames: _Loony Moony. Moon Me! Mr. Moony. Moonster. Moony-poo. Ketchup. And of course, courtesy of Padfoot, Party Pooperanza._

You know, all of those nicknames are courtesy of me. Except for Mr. Moony. You gave him the 'Moon Me!' one too? **Er, apparently so. I don't imagine I want to know what was happening at the time. **Oh, it was actually very innocent. We were both taking showers in next-door shower rooms, and well, I decided to—**No, it's quite all right, Padfoot, we don't need anything more that will make us doubt your sexual orientation at the moment. **Harrumph. **Oh, har! That was a funny sound. **Very funny!

-

Birthday: _November 4th._

Ahh, that was a good birthday! The way us four ran around the full moon in—**naked form, streaking about wildly. Simply lovely, I must say. Don't you agree? **Ooh, I bet the girls really wanted to see that!

-

Hair Color: _Just a simple sandy blond/brown. It's hard to see the discrepancy between the two. _

**You know, I like his hair color. It's very mysterious. **Mysterious? Pah! But, I do like it as well. It's got this nice feces mixed in with some pee type color. Har, har. At least he _knows_ his hair color. **True. **

-

Eye Color: _Blue. I think my answers are quite boring compared to Wormtail's, aren't they? _

Hey, my eyes are blue too! You're not boring me, Moony, don't worry. Er, but you're boring _me_, so let's put some pizzazz into this commentary, shall we?** How so, Padfoot? There is only so much people can say on the subject of eye colors. **How about that the blue of Moony's eyes reminds you of those muggle toilet cleaning agents that turn the toilet water blue? **Er…let's hope that Moony never reads this.** Agreed.

-

Height: _5' 7''. Okay, by now, I think I've been seriously boring you guys. My apologies. _

HAH! I'm taller than you, Moony! Take that! **HAH! I'm taller than _both_ of you! Take that!** HAH! I'm the shortest of all of you! Take that! Umm… **Er…let's move on, shall we? **Awkward

-

Favorite Color: _Hmm, I do not necessarily like any of the color spectrum, but if I must choose, it would be blue. It has a rather calming effect. _

Again, this expounds on my theory that Moony has a strong affection for toilet water cleaning things that make the water turn blue. I suspect he takes a book into the loo when he's preparing to pee or poop or whatever, but _first_, he examines the clarity and vividness of the blue. Then, with a sigh, he plops his buttocks down on the seat, starts reading, and begins his business. **Oh, Merlin. **Padfoot's really the writer of the group, isn't he? **Yes, let's hope he never gets anything published for fear of the wrath of Moony. **

-

Favorite Food: _Er, when I have a certain craving, it'd be steak. But when I'm not in that particular mood, it'd have to be chocolate. I know you are all staring at me thinking, chocolate is **not** a food. It's a snack or sweets or sugary substance. However, let me ask you a few questions. Does chocolate not give you calories? Calories, in turn give off heat energy to the body so it can carry out the processes needed for everyday living. Therefore, chocolate is a food, since food has calories. As a result, chocolate is a necessary and essential part of the human diet. I am passionately in the mind that chocolate needs its own food group. _

I must passionately and fully agree with Moony on this one. Though the sneaky creature won't let me into his stock…**Sorry to remind you, but we've already ate the whole lot last Christmas. **Oh, right. Bummer.Do any of you know why Moony likes steak? I thought he was a vegetarian? **Ahem. Well, there are certain matters…** Wormtail, are you _daft_? Umm…no, but I like chocolate.

-

Favorite Phrase: _Eloquently speaking, it would be… "There isn't anything stuffed mushrooms can't do." Just kidding. It's "But when I'm talking in conversation, it would be, 'arrogant prats'. Do not let Padfoot read that line, or else he will launch into the 'Moony's phrase of the day!'. _

I've gone blind! Did Moony not write anything in this subject? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!** Padfoot, calm down. Moony _does_ run out of things to say, right, Wormtail?** Er, but there's so much writing—**not there, so hmm, Moony really didn't have anything to say, eh? **Oh. I like stuffed mushrooms too. What? Where did that come from? **Er, nothing, Padfoot. Let's continue. **

-

Favorite Sport: _I suppose Quidditch, though I don't play it much. _

**Best sport in the world! **Agreed! Nothing else can replace the exhilaration and adrenaline you feel rushing through your very body than the extreme sport of broomsticks and balls. Merlin, that sounded so wrong. **Please, Padfoot, contain yourself. **Padfoot's weird. But, Quidditch is great!

-

Pets: _I have a very badly behaved rabbit. He's such a 'furry little problem.' _

**Har, oh yes he does! I believe it was I, who gave him the—er, term. **You bit him? He never told us that! You're one too!** No, I am NOT a _RABBIT_. I just gave him the phrase, 'furry little problem'. Pricks.**

-

Piercings: _Not that I'm aware of…though Padfoot probably has pierced something of mine while I was asleep. _

Heh, how does he know that I pierced his left buttock? **You WHAT?** I think there's something that Padfoot should tell us about…**I agree. STRONGLY agree. Do tell. **Well, you see…it was a dark and stormy night, and it was thundering quite loudly, and I was scared. Scared so much that I had to hold a needle to keep my nerves down. Then lightning struck, and I yelped, ran across the dorm floor to the other bunk at the opposite side (which was Moony's, mind you), and BAM! I stuck the needle into his left buttock. **That was quite a story. Interesting. **That's funny…because I had the same problem before! And it was my left buttock! **Padfoot, are you sure…? **Er, keep it down for me, will you? I have a feeling it might not be Moony's I pierced…Oh really? Whose was it? **Ahem. **

-

Tattoos: _I'm afraid I don't want a maniac to carve something into any part of my body, thanks. _

Har, this will be my next project. What project? Give dear Moony a rebellious tattoo.** Oh Merlin. Knowing Padfoot, it's going to be a sexual organ or something. **How right you are! Moony better go into hiding…

-

Broken Any Bones: _Yes. Padfoot's quite rough sometimes. The canine prick. _

Oho! Well, yes, I do suppose I'm _rough_ sometimes. **Padfoot, if Moony was here…he would wipe that lecherous look off your face with his foot and attempt to explain that he did not mean _rough _like that, and it would be an abuse to the word 'rough'. **Which foot, Prongs? **Er, I dunno. Probably his right? **Ah, that's all right, that's his weak one. I'll live.

-

Been Shot/Stabbed: _Loads of times. When the people you hang around with include Padfoot and Prongs, you get tested a lot for future pranks. It's a dangerous life I lead. _

Poor Moony. It does seem that he has to contribute a lot to the group, doesn't he? **Yeah, I've shot a Dungbomb at him once. Nasty occurrence. **And I've stabbed him in the eye with an umbrella. **Which prank did we need an umbrella for? **Yeah, I don't remember that one. I like umbrellas. Is there something wrong with liking pink, frilled umbrellas? Hmm? **Er, quite possibly. **Especially pink, frilled ones. How come you don't like lilac ones? They're quite enjoyable. **Erm. **

-

Girlfriend: _I am not gay. However, I do not go out with anyone. Perhaps one day, you will find out why. _

Oh, this is so tragic! I wish he didn't bring this up! Yeah, that is quite sad. Though people should accept him as a w—woman? He's not a woman, you prat, Wormy! **Padfoot, are you _crying_? **Well, yes! It's just a sad story, isn't it? He can't be with anyone because he's a woman—I mean a wimp—I mean a weirdo. **Padfoot, stop while you can, because Moony is shooting us odd looks from the other side of the room. **Right.

-

Likes To: _Play around with dogs, stags, and rats. It's quite fun instead of being alone all the time. I also like to read, and yes I'm a dork, but I love to learn about new magic. There's something fascinating about using a wand.. _

Hah! He's a DORK!** Weren't you just feeling sorry for him ten seconds ago? **Ten seconds is a long time, Prongs. Padfoot has a really short attention span. HE LOVES US! He likes to play with us!** Honestly, Padfoot, you say the most suggestive things. **Hehe.

-

Favorite Marauder: _Oh dear. Must I choose? Well, I'd have to say, Prongs. He's usually the most level-headed, excluding me, and he does strain quite a bit to make Lily notice him. Padfoot, I am going to say, can be a tad bit annoying. Funny, yes, but quite irritating at times. Wormtail…is too quiet. I don't really notice much about him. Correct me if I'm wrong, Wormtail. _

**AHEM. Agreed. **What's this bit about me being annoying? I'm so loveable and adorable, it's maddening! What's this, I say? Yeah, I'm a bit quiet, aren't I? Moony is officially off his rocker! I am NOT annoying. Irritating and infuriating, yes, but most definitely not annoying! **Don't they all mean the same thing? **Well, I happen to like 'i' words better. Oh.

-

Funniest Marauder: _Padfoot. He does deliver the best lines, although he tends to act stupid most of the time. _

Sorry if I mentioned that Moony was off his rocker. HE IS NOT OFF HIS ROCKER. Except for the last bit.** Please excuse Padfoot, as he is a bit bipolar. **What's that? **He's just a bit…off.** I am ON, thank you very much. **Right. **

-

Prettiest Marauder: _Seeing as none of us are girls (though I admit, sometimes I wonder about Padfoot and his liking of heels…Wormtail as well), I will say no one. _

**That's a fair reason. Though I too, wonder constantly about the two…**Wormtail didn't have any problems putting me down as the prettiest. Harrumph. Moony, you prick. Yeah, I put down Padfoot as prettiest because he looks really nice in that tight red venus-cut dress he has and the plaid purple heels. **Erm…THIS is why we wonder. **

-

Most Handsome Marauder: _Because I am straight, and do not wish to have accusations hurled at me for thinking one Marauder is more handsome than the other, I will also omit this question. _

THIS IS MOST CERTAINLY EVIDENCE THAT MOONY IS INSECURE! **How so, Padfoot? **He does not trust that he is manly enough to admit that I am the hottest of us four. **Just because you forget to turn on the fan every time does not necessarily mean you're the hottest of us four, Padfoot. Everyone has slightly different body temperatures. **Really? Prat! You know what I meant.

-

Loudest Marauder: _Padfoot. I am sorry to say that his raucous roars and shouting have caused partial deafness in my left ear. _

Tehee. You know that I must make myself clear at all times! **Obnoxious would be the more fitting term. **Is this why I have to keep repeating things to Moony since I sit to the left of him in Charms? **Quite possibly, Wormtail. Quite possibly. **Nonsense! He hears me all right every time! **That's because one, you sit to the RIGHT of you all the time, and you're probably worsening that ear as well, and two, your voice is like a whale's mating call. You can't miss it, and it's unmistakable. **

-

Craziest Marauder: _It seems that Padfoot is clearly the lucky winner once more. There is nothing that Padfoot **wouldn't** suggest or do. _

Quite right he is! **Seeing as I've had this experience myself, Padfoot, you indeed are the craziest. **Congratulations!

-

Most Shy: _Wormtail. _

Yeah, I guess so. **Yep. **Say, Wormtail, have you even talked to a girl before? A girl? You mean, a _real_ girl? **No, he means the fake one you keep under your bed**. Oh. Because I've only talked to my mum. And your mum too, Prongs. Sigh. He's gone, that one. 

-

Most Loving: _I am not the most loving creature inhabiting this surface, but judging out of us four Marauders and seeing that they care almost nothing about wasting parchment or recycling plastic, I would say me. _

**Moony, it's all right. I know it isn't our fault we have to live with such filthy, disgraceful people that don't give an inkling about the great Mother Earth. I, however, care greatly about parchment and plastic. **You mean, you care about parchment so much that you decided to chuck a huge roll into the fireplace after you got mad over not being able to write a good love letter to Evans? Would burning plastic and breathing in its fumes to see if you would choke or turn blue by inhaling the toxic fumes be considered caring greatly about plastic? **Shut up, you lot. **

-

Most Understanding: _Me, I suppose, since no one else seems this willing to give out free advice. Though no one takes them, really. _

I CARE, MOONY! I TAKE YOUR ADVICE, EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE (AHEM, PRONGS) DOES! You're so understanding, Moony. **I do too take his advice! Look, I even wrote Lily like he told me to. **Yeah, but he didn't tell you to add in 'Lily, let's go shag senselessly in that empty cupboard over there. I know it's not roomy, but at least it's spider-free' in your letter to her. **Oh. That might explain why she hadn't written back yet. **Sigh.

-

Most Boring: _Sigh. Me, I think. I rarely make people laugh, since I'm so serious. Sorry. _

**Aww, Moony, you do joke sometimes. And they're quite funny. **Yeah, at least you say stuff. Unlike me. Aww. 

-

Richest: _Er, I'd say Prongs now, since Padfoot just got chucked out of his house…that was a sad time. He's still quite rich with his uncle's inheritance, I believe. (Don't let Padfoot read that, please.) _

AHH, I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING AGAIN! WHY HAVE I GONE TEMPORARILY BLIND? **Er, hurry Wormtail, let's write down our comments before the spell wears off. **That was a really depressing time. I remember Padfoot looking so…happy. **Er, yeah, that was a bit weird. But, he and his parents were never on good terms, so, I guess it was a happy time for him, eh? **

-

Most Athletic: _Prongs. He does fly around every day and work out for at least three hours, so. Maybe lifting a couple of weights (one hundred pounds) each night for five hundred times will do the trick, Padfoot. I know how you like to think you're more athletic than Prongs, but.. _

**Too bad Padfoot's not blinded to this question. Though it'd do him some good to learn the truth. **I'm not the only one who thinks you have some pudge, Padfoot. You're still good-looking though. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE INSULTED IN MY LIFE! TWO DAYS IN A ROLL. AND I WORK OUT EVERY DAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I THINK EVERYONE NEEDS SOME VISION TESTS AND SEE THAT I HAVE ZERO PUDGE! **It seems that it's only enraged him and caused him to fall into more delusional thinking. **Sigh. Will he ever find out? **One day, Wormy, one day. **

-

Most Cocky: _There **is** a reason why I say 'arrogant prats'. The two 'P's of our group. Not that I'm naming anyone, of course.. _

That's not me, right? I'm a 'W'. **Lucky, lucky Wormtail. **I am COCKy, and proud. At least we HAVE cocks. Harrumph. **Though I am not necessarily happy with this answer of Moony's, I will not resort to immature comments like the previous person has just done. **Prongs, you're supposed to be on my side, cock buddy! **And that is why**.

-

Biggest Sex Icon: _I am not saying any names, in case some certain people get another dangerous swelling of the head region. _

He means me. It's okay, Moony, I know you're quite insecure about yourself, but I promise I won't tell anyone that you think I'm sexy and that you know girls want to shag me so inappropriately that I won't say anymore. **Thank Merlin. As if we needed any more things to cause us to heave up our breakfast contents. **Speaking of breakfast, I wonder what I had…

-

**What Do You Think About When You Hear… **

Fruit: _Strawberries covered with chocolate. _

Very seductive, Moony! You're learning. **That sounds good. I meant what Moony wrote, _not_ what Padfoot just said. **I think they're quite yummy, especially if they're chilled.

-

Foghorn: _Quite similar to the sound of Padfoot erupting flatulence from his lower back region. _

**Oh, har! See, Moony, you're not boring at all…quite on the contrary. **Does he mean those rippling farts that Padfoot makes when he's asleep? The ones that I'm sure people can hear for miles around and causes the room to shake violently? **I'm sure he does**. THIS IS ABOMINABLE! I do not make foghorn-sounding farts that induce earthquakes. I hope.

-

**F**iretr**uck**: _Ahem, a muggle red truck that comes to the aid of people regarding fire-created disasters. I do not see anything in bold, so…AHEM. _

**Ever the innocent one, our Moony. **F-U-C—**Because this is for girls' eyes, we will not allow Padfoot to write out a curse word. **That's clever. The bolding of the words, I mean.

-

Food: _Like I said before, chocolate. _

Agreed! **Yeah, chocolate heals the soul. **Wow, Prongs, that was DEEP. Way down there. **Thanks. It's all due to chocolate. **

-

Flying: _Oddly enough, James and his prized broom zooming around the Quidditch pitch. _

**Me and my infuriatingly great Quidditch skills. **Pillock. I'll whack you with a Bludger the next time we have practice. I still can't believe you lot think I have PUDGE at the sides of my body! PUDGE. Prongs and his great Snitching skills. **It's catching a snitch, not Snitching. I am not a snitch. **

-

Flaming Fire: _Padfoot is a pyromaniac. I do not think I need say anymore. _

Is he referring to the fact that I almost burned down half our dormitory that one day? Or the one when I made McGonagall's hair singe and caused her to shoot fire from her mouth? **All of them, I believe. **Oh. Or maybe that one where I was playing with those muggle matches and then I got mad, pointed my wand at them, and burned off all my nostril hair? Probably that one too. **Padfoot, there's at least ninety hundred more incidents. **Funnily enough, I think you're right!

-

Fart: _Padfoot has mastered the many different sounds these things can make simply by coming out of his buttocks. He'll tell the story of how he noticed that on different types of surfaces…I'll say no more. Sigh. _

**Oho! Oh, Merlin, how right he is**. I know, his farts are smelly too. They drift on over to where Moony and I sleep, and it's absolutely _horrid_ to wake up to such a smell. ANYWAYS, I will kindly explain the Fart Lesson. If you fart on something soft and cushiony, like a pillow, the sound is muffled and subdued. If you want to be prominent and make your joys heard, use a hard, smooth surface, like freshly polished wood. Then BOOM. And make sure to eat an egg-salad sandwich to make your farts extra smelly! Works just as well as a Dungbomb. **Eurgh. I'm sorry to say that I've been at the receiving end of this…and it holds true. **

-

Feudalism: _A political and economic system of Europe from the 9th to about the 15th century, based on the holding of all land in fief or fee and the resulting relation of lord to vassal and characterized by homage, legal and military service of tenants, and forfeiture. _

Er, I thought that feudalism had to do with fighing or something. Guess not? **Hmm, interesting term. **Moony sounds just like a dictionary, doesn't he? Ohh, maybe he swallowed one! I remember something squarish sticking out of his gullet one day. Hmm. **I hope that was just a weird-looking Adam's apple. **Me too, Prongs. Me too. 

-

Flagpole: _It reminds me of the time Padfoot saw one of these in a muggle town and proceeded to fly up there and sit on it. The poor muggles… _

That was fun! Though it hurt little Paddy quite a bit. Ouch. **Remind me to never, _ever_ let Padfoot near a flagpole again.** Sure thing. **That was traumatic, I say! **

-

Fat: _Padfoot. I can see the look already. Please excuse me as I bolt out of the room as soon as I have finished this. _

FAT! FAT! JUST WHO IS HE TRYING TO CALL FAT? I THOUGHT WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION ALREADY? **Er, calm down, Padfoot. It's just that Pad-'_foot' _looks a bit like fat. Kind of. **Not really, Prongs. **Well, I tried**. FAT! HMMPTH. 

-

Most Embarrassing Moment: _Mm, not sure. Probably the one being chased out of the library for bringing some chocolate to eat inside while thumbing through books. I can't live without the two requirements of my life…why do they deny me so? _

**Aww, poor Moony. It's all right. You can have all the chocolates and read all you want in our dorm room. **That's a weird rule, about chocolate in the library. Hmpth. I hope Moony chokes on his chocolate. **You'll get around, Padfoot. **

-

Murdered Anyone Lately: _Sometimes I have bouts of impulsiveness thrown upon me that tell me I would very much like to murder Padfoot. But I haven't. Yet. _

I WANT TO MURDER SOMEONE RIGHT NOW TOO, MOONY. CAN YOU GUESS WHO? **Ah, but remember the good things he's said about you? How you were…erm…funny? **Oh yeah. And you both are avid supporters of chocolate, right? Right. MOONY, I LOVE YOU!** That was quick. **Yep.

-

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: _Er, that was quite random, I must admit. I hope I will find myself not brutally murdered and clawed beyond recognition by the time the rest of the Marauders are through with the commentary business. Wish me luck. _

Come on, Moony, give me a hug! **Um, that was a drastic change in moods. Weird. **He might have mood swings too! **Hmm, possibly.** MOONY!

_- _

**That was…**CUTE! Overall, I don't think we were too mean. **Yeah, poor Moony. By the time Padfoot stops slurping all over him, it'll be nightfall. **Eurgh, is that _green_ slobber? **Mm, I think so. **

Slurp! 

* * *

Author's Note:

Well, I updated! Next will be SIRIUS! Woot. Har, this will be a fun one to write…I have something special planned for you guys.

**IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAMES SECTION IN THE BACK OF THIS 'BOOK' (READ THE PREFACE IN CASE YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT), PLEASE LEAVE THE NAME YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE IN A REVIEW. I WILL COMPILE THEM, AND IT WILL BE IN THE LAST ENTRY OF THIS STORY. AFTER I HAVE POSTED THE FINAL ENTRY OF THE STORY, I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE NAMES TO THE LIST. Sorry. **

**YOU MAY ALSO ADD WHOEVER YOU LIKE THE MOST ALONG WITH YOUR NAME, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. PLEASE KEEP THIS VERY SHORT. MAX OF 10 WORDS. THANKS! **

**I accept anonymous reviews**!

And if you haven't already, please check out my first one-shot, **_A Newt, Anyone_**? It's not as funny, but I wrote it anyways. Please give feedback. Thanks!


	6. III: Padfoot!

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

* * *

**Part Six.**

**

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts **

****

**III: Padfoot

* * *

**

Yes, it's me, the very sexy-licious Marauder that you've been waiting for, and at last, here I am! I am bold, reckless, dashingly handsome, and that tall, dark, and handsome lover you've been looking for. Your search has yielded fruit. _I am here_!

Anyways. I'm a great Quidditch player without any hints of PUDGE at my sides, thanks. Though I may act 'stupid' and immature, I am quite intelligent. I also have characteristics that of a dog's. Let me explain:_ dogged and doggone cute!_ I also have a keen sense of hearing, so yes, I can hear that bum you're scratching, Wormtail. Pray stop it. I have a fetish for dresses and heels, and I am manly enough to say so. Unlike some people. Har. 

Let the fun begin! 

Name: Padfoot! (Yes, including the exclamation mark.)

Nicknames: Seeing as I'm the only creative person that can think of **great** nicknames, I have only four: Paddy, Pads, Pad, and Mr. Padfoot. 

Birthday: December 13th. Do not combine my presents with Christmas, or I will be forced to gnaw your hair off with my teeth. And it's in _such _a lovely style. Don't tempt me. 

Hair Color: Black. It's a beautiful ebony black with a lovely shininess to it (NOT LIKE SNIVELLUS'S, WHICH IS OILY. There is a difference). That's because I shampoo twice, and condition the ends of my hair before rinsing my hair through three times. It is styled to perfection, and falls with a type of elegance that I'm afraid dear Prongs will never get _his_ hair to do. Heh! 

Eye Color: Dark gray. Look deep now. You are feeling sleepy…oh, very sleepy. Now repeat after me: "I am in love with Padfoot. He is _deliciously _hot." Entranced yet? I thought so. 

Height: 5' 9.5". Trust me, that half inch goes a long way. It's helped me run away faster from the destructive wrath of Mr. Prongs. Yeowch. 

Favorite Color: I like pink. All shades of pink. Pink is a man's color. Rar!

Favorite Food: Mm. I like a lot of things, actually. Er, I like pineapples. And stale raspberry scones. There's just something so _solid_ about them that I like. I mean, they're really delectable. Especially if you stow them underneath your bed for about three days next to a moldy, smelly, green sock that used to be white. Try it sometime! 

Favorite Phrase: Wormy took my most used one, but since I'm a highly innovative person, "I'm sexy. You're sexy. Let's shag." And yes, I made that up in less than thirteen seconds. Good, eh?

Favorite Sport: QUIDDITCH! And since I practice every bloody day, I do NOT have pudge! 

Pets: What are you talking about? I **am **a pet. Yours, if you'd like! 

Piercings: Left earlobe. Just kidding. That'd be wicked, though. Except that Prongs would probably do something like stick his finger through my ear hole and infect it for five days because he didn't wash his hands after wiping his poo off his butt or something similar, I'm sure.

Tattoos: It's been my life-long wish to have a unicorn with shooting stars in the background on my manly abs region. Wouldn't that be sexy?

Broken Any Bones: Loads. I don't think there's any bone in my body that I **haven't** broken. 

Been Shot/Stabbed: Of course! And on a daily basis. It's great fun. 

Girlfriend: What's 'girlfriend'? I have a new girl every day—even hour! Currently it's…I forgot her name. That's bad, isn't it? Well, it's all right, because girls like to be called 'sweetie' or 'love' or whatnot, so it's all fine. We have it so easy. 

Likes To: Eat, sleep, frolic around in my play dress in a repeating order. It's quite nice to have a breeze around your privates and run through the lush prairie grass and get some crazy pinching bug up your butt. Hurts like hell. 

Favorite Marauder: Prongs is my favorite. Not that I don't love the rest of you guys. But, I've known Prongs since we were in diapers. Probably even before that. Which means that Prongs' parents were probably going at it about the same time my parents were—eurgh. Ew. Bad thoughts. 

Funniest Marauder: ME! I'm so adorably funny, and I say the weirdest things. Like, that toaster's doing some kinky things to that toast! Better go check it out___Check it out!_ Heh, I crack myself up. 

Prettiest Marauder: Me. And this is not only when I'm in heels and a dress, thank you. I'm pretty all the time. And I like how my eyelashes curl naturally. And they're soo nice and _long_! I don't even have to use mascara most of the time. 

Most Handsome Marauder: Me. Prongs has that athletic guy thing going on, and Moony has the nice guy look…and Wormtail, well—Wormtail's just him. But me? I have the _looks_ that make people go crazy for me. 

Loudest Marauder: **MEEEEEEE! **Hopefully, everyone in the three-mile radius could hear me. Actually, I dunno, maybe I better shout again, because I don't think that bloke with pillows up his ears heard me. Oh wait, that's just Moony. 

Craziest Marauder: Uh, me. I'm such an inspiring and creative person. By the way, did you know that licking jello mix can make you run faster? It's been proven…by me. 

Most Shy: Me, hah, just kidding. Far from it. WORMY! 

Most Loving: I'm extremely loving. Wink. Psssh, I beat Moony any day. 

Most Understanding: Moony. I think I'm going to go over and give him an extra big hug. He's the only one that—sobs—understands me. 

Most Boring: Er, probably Wormtail. Sorry, mate. 

Richest: Well, it sadly enough, used to be me, but now that I'm finally out of the madhouse, it's definitely Prongs. YES!

Most Athletic: As much as I hate to admit it, Prongs is a _wee_ bit more lean than me. Probably one-tenth of an ounce more lean. Hmpth. 

Most Cocky: Me! Like I said before, WHO HAS A COCK, HUH? WHO HAS ONE? 

Biggest Sex Icon: Uh, me! Who do you think has shagged the most out of anyone in the Marauders? Actually, we've all done the same amount. Which is…I'll leave you to figure it out. Winks very suggestively. Keep in mind that this is including Wormtail. Hint, hint. 

**What Do You Think About When You Hear… **

Girls: Hot, sexy, drool. 

Giraffe: Tall thingies. Really tall. Munch on leaves. Live near big gray things called ellyfaints. 

Gorilla: How come these animals all live in the safari? Weird. Big ape thing. Reminds me of Prongs. Heh, kidding. 

Ghost: Smoky, transparent thingy. Or, if you want to be like Professor Pippowaddles, who claims it's 'one who leaves an imprint of their soul to walk upon the earth.' Psh. 

Grass: Rhymes with as—just kidding. Um, green stuff. Poky. Makes this weird high-pitched whistling thing if you blow really hard. And if you sniff it up…well. You'll see what happens. 

Gay: Not me! Someone who likes pink, frilly umbrellas and wears womanly items would be homosexual. But that is excluding me, of course. OF COURSE. 

Ginger: My favorite scent of lotion to use on the back of my elbows and knees is called Ginger Citrus Lotion. Smells divine! Here, have some. 

Guppy: A cute little fish that smells a bit funny. Well, I suppose it would smell funny if it had to swim in all that nasty food remains, feces (poop), urine (pee), and weird stuff. Bad life, those fishes have.

Great: Friend. By the way, in case you didn't have any friends, here's a good tip on how to make a friend. Grab a flower pot or heavy object and chuck it out of your window. Wait for it to hit someone, and once it does, rush out, and say, "HEY! I'M (insert name here)!" That's how Wormtail and us met! Great memories.

Glaciers: Bad memory. Once, Prongs got **really, really** mad at me and somehow transported me to  Antarctica, where there were millions of glaciers, for a whole day. I did make friends with some penguins though. (Yes, with the chucking method! It works, I told you.) Except the polar bears weren't as friendly when I chucked blocks of ice at them. Feisty things, they are. I suspect it's the blubber in them. 

Most Embarrassing Moment: Me? _Embarrassed? _Bahah! That's funny.It's Padfoot. I don't _ever_ get embarrassed. Oh, all right. There was that one time…I sneezed all over a girl when we were snogging. That was pretty bad. Especially 'cause it was the wet kind. The one that makes you think a massive typhoon's coming, and you protect yourself by jabbing an umbrella in the other person's eye. Which, is what happened to me. And that might explain why I've been having bouts of blindness. Hmm. 

Murdered Anyone Lately: Um, I dunno. I can't recall, really. Moony says I sleepwalk a lot and wander off and come back with red, drippy stuff on my hands, but I've smelt it before, and I think it's just ketchup. Hopefully, anyways…

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: Oh, I've always wanted to be a writer. I'm going to post my story that I wrote on my ideal, heroic death: 

**&START **

The Highly Glorious Death of Sirius Orion Black 

By: Sirius Orion Black 

WHAM. An awful sounding thud hit the ground sixty-four feet below.

Sirius Black, who was riding on his broomstick most handsomely and smoothly just mere minutes before, had fallen—plummeting--most tragically into the freezing lake down beneath. The culprit that had injured him most grievously was a horrid Bludger.

It was too late. Far too late.

Bleeding quite profusely, Sirius's head bobbed up a bit as he struggled to live. He clawed frantically at the freezing, rippling water. His hair hung in damp parts as his eyes closed shut with great pain.

"I am going! Farewell! Evil will never prevail in the hands of good," He announced dramatically, desperately trying to breathe in.

After agonizing minutes where hoards of girls swooned at the gruesome and brave sight of him, and cried hard in vats of hot, salty tears, dear Sirius Orion Black had gone on—to a place where he would never feel the everlasting pains of human life again.

Floating lifelessly, tearful close friends known collectively as the Marauders went in to retrieve his body. His blood had spilt, clouding the nearby surface with dark crimson blood. Thousands of girls mourned the direness of it all and sobbed uncontrollably on each other's shoulders for comfort. They would never see that charming smile again…

A tragic, beautiful hero, done in by horrible circumstances…he will live on forever in our minds. And we shall never forget that flirtatious wink that took all of our hearts.

**&Fin. **

-

_You know, Padfoot, you're really quite the descriptive writer. _Thank you. Can't you just imagine girls generations on from now crying so dearly at this page? I must admit, that story of mine was rather good. That was really touching, Padfoot. You're so brave. Thanks, Wormy.** Padfoot, you prat. **James, are you _crying_? **Of course I'm not. Your story's just really good. Besides Moony just poked his finger in my eye. **Aww, I love you too, Prongs. **Prat**. **You big, insolent prat. **

Farewell until next time! 

* * *

Author's Note:

At parts of Sirius's self-written death story, I started feeling sad, because his death was never properly explained in the fifth book. Sigh. I miss Sirius so.

**IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAMES SECTION IN THE BACK OF THIS 'BOOK' (READ THE PREFACE IN CASE YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT), PLEASE LEAVE THE NAME YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE IN A REVIEW. I WILL COMPILE THEM, AND IT WILL BE IN THE LAST ENTRY OF THIS STORY. AFTER I HAVE POSTED THE FINAL ENTRY OF THE STORY, I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE NAMES TO THE LIST. Sorry. **

**YOU MAY ALSO ADD WHOEVER YOU LIKE THE MOST ALONG WITH YOUR NAME, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. PLEASE KEEP THIS VERY SHORT. MAX OF 10 WORDS. THANKS! **

**I accept anonymous reviews**!

And if you haven't already, please check out my first one-shot, **_A Newt, Anyone_**? It's not as funny, but I wrote it anyways. Please give feedback. Thanks!


	7. III: Marauders' Commentary

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

**Part Seven. **

**

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts **

****

**III: Commentary

* * *

**

Name: Padfoot! (Yes, including the exclamation mark.) 

_Sigh. Padfoot must always be so stubborn. _**Yeah, did I tell you about that time he chucked a bottle of some smoking potion at me because I didn't put Mr. Padfoot with the exclamation mark at the end when I wrote him a note? **You guys still write notes? **Well, it was a matter of life or death. **_Meaning it was about Lily's latest hairstyle. _**I, ahem, don't recall. But it was most likely about her new shoes. **

-

Nicknames: Seeing as I'm the only creative person that can think of **great** nicknames, I have only four: Paddy, Pads, Pad, and Mr. Padfoot. 

**I happen to think that Pads and Pad are great nicknames. It's great to yell it out across the room and see the girls looking around madly for fallen out feminine products from their purses. Har, har.** Haha. _Ever the mature one. _**I know. **

-

Birthday: December 13th. Do not combine my presents with Christmas, or I will be forced to gnaw your hair off with my teeth. And it's in _such _a lovely style. Don't tempt me. 

**This was a bad choice I made. But I bought him a bloody broomstick! The latest model! It cost me exactly 481 Galleons, thank you. **_Keep tabs, Prongs? Tsk, tsk. Such a parsimonious friend you are. _That orange fruit thingy? That's an odd way to describe Prongs. _No, Wormtail, that's persimmon. Parsimonious means stingy. _Oh. **Ahem, I'm still here. **_Right. _

-

Hair Color: Black. It's a beautiful ebony black with a lovely shininess to it (NOT LIKE SNIVELLUS'S, WHICH IS OILY. There is a difference). That's because I shampoo twice, and condition the ends of my hair before rinsing my hair through three times. It is styled to perfection, and falls with a type of elegance that I'm afraid dear Prongs will never get _his_ hair to do. Heh! 

_Is there anyone else besides me that constantly worries about Padfoot's sexual gender and/or orientation? _**Not just constantly, Moony. Always.**_ Agreed. _Wait, what's so bad about conditioning your hair? **You condition your hair? **_Mm, perhaps Padfoot's not the only one I'm worried about. _**It's all right, Moony. You know that I'm _never_ like that. Besides, I like my disheveled hair. Even if a pigeon tried to lay an egg in it. Argh. **

-

Eye Color: Dark gray. Look deep now. You are feeling sleepy…oh, very sleepy. Now repeat after me: "I am in love with Padfoot. He is _deliciously _hot." Entranced yet? I thought so. 

**I am so glad he hasn't tried to use this on me. I would be _very, very _worried and frankly, disturbed out of my mind. **_Agreed. I'm never looking at him straight in the eye again. _His eyes are a pretty gray though. **Erm. Seems like he got _someone_. **

-

Height: 5' 9.5". Trust me, that half inch goes a long way. It's helped me run away faster from the destructive wrath of Mr. Prongs. Yeowch. 

_Has someone been practicing unneeded violence on a certain person? I'm disappointed in you, Prongs. _**Well, it is that black-haired prat we're talking about. Nasty person. Probably infested with fleas. **_I don't doubt it. _**Maybe if we're lucky, he'll snuff it. **_Now, Prongs, that's a bit harsh._This is Padfoot we're talking about! Our dear friend and fellow Marauder! **No, Wormtail. We're talking about dear old Snivelly, that foul, rotting piece of log. **Oh, I was a bit confused there.

-

Favorite Color: I like pink. All shades of pink. Pink is a man's color. Rar! 

**Erm, passionate about this, isn't he? **_Quite passionate. _Like I said before, lilac rules over pink. _Let's keep going… _

-

Favorite Food: Mm. I like a lot of things, actually. Er, I like pineapples. And stale raspberry scones. There's just something so _solid_ about them that I like. I mean, they're really delectable. Especially if you stow them underneath your bed for about three days next to a moldy, smelly, green sock that used to be white. Try it sometime! 

**Yes, I found out about this particular habit of his one day while looking around for my sock that I threw under the bed after a particularly sweaty Quidditch practice. It was…rather troubling. **_I can only imagine. _So Padfoot wrapped his scone in _your_ sweaty sock? _Apparently so. _**I'm never wearing white socks again if I can manage it. **_Yes, gray socks covered with mold are less green, I think. _

-

Favorite Phrase: Wormy took my most used one, but since I'm a highly innovative person, "I'm sexy. You're sexy. Let's shag." And yes, I made that up in less than thirteen seconds. Good, eh?

That's really good as well! I wonder where he gets these bursts of inspiration from…_Well, if you like stale scones wrapped in moldy socks, purple high heels, form-fitting red dresses, conditioning your hair, and claiming you have no pudge, then I think you'll find inspiration soon enough. _**Well said, Moony! That just about summed up the very interesting habits of Mr. Padfoot. My bad, Mr. Padfoot! **Well, I like heels and conditioning my hair—that's a start, isn't it? **… … … **

-

Favorite Sport: QUIDDITCH! And since I practice every bloody day, I do NOT have pudge! 

**Hah, hah. That one's the Queen of the ** **Nile**Er, what? Queen of the Nile? Padfoot? _Apart from having surreal feminine characteristics, he is also in denial. _Hey, that sounds oddly like…**Queen of Denial. Yes, good job, Wormtail. **Thanks!

-

Pets: What are you talking about? I **am **a pet. Yours, if you'd like! 

**Ugh. Sickening thoughts. **_Sigh. Why does he always talk so? I can only be glad that I'm assuming he's talking to girls. _I think he is. **Hopefully. **

-

Piercings: Left earlobe. Just kidding. That'd be wicked, though. Except that Prongs would probably do something like stick his finger through my ear hole and infect it for five days because he didn't wash his hands after wiping his poo off his butt or something similar, I'm sure.

**I'm pretty sure I would because this is without a doubt, another of his feminine traits popping out. It seems that it worsens with each of these survey thingies. **_Agreed. Very strongly agreed_. Prongs, that would be unhygienic. **Unhygienic my arse, anything is clean for Padfoot. **True..

-

Tattoos: It's been my life-long wish to have a unicorn with shooting stars in the background on my manly abs region. Wouldn't that be sexy?

_He is hopeless. _**Why do we even associate ourselves with him, Moony? We must be going _bonkers,_ honestly. **_Frankly, I have no idea. Perhaps we're being drugged, blackmailed, or bribed. _With what? I didn't get any Galleons out of this! **I'm sure Padfoot has his ways. **Ohh, that's a dark look on your face, Prongs! **Of course it is, I have to look a bit spooky. **Oh.

-

Broken Any Bones: Loads. I don't think there's any bone in my body that I **haven't** broken. 

**The only non-scary comment so far. This is amazing. **_I know. I don't think it was Padfoot writing that. I think he paid someone to write it. _I dunno, that was mighty fast of him. **Wormtail, you prat, we know. It's just bloody weird of him to say something so… banal. **Banana canal? _It means ordinary or boring, Wormtail. _

-

Been Shot/Stabbed: Of course! And on a daily basis. It's great fun. 

_I'm afraid that Padfoot is a masochist. _A who? _One who enjoys pain or humiliation voluntarily. _**That's quite the term for Padfoot. And a strong feminist at heart. **

-

Girlfriend: What's 'girlfriend'? I have a new girl every day—even hour! Currently it's…I forgot her name. That's bad, isn't it? Well, it's all right, because girls like to be called 'sweetie' or 'love' or whatnot, so it's all fine. We have it so easy. 

**Okay, I take that back. Not so much as a feminist. Girls all around will be tracking him down and killing him in his sleep for that one comment. **Ouch. _Padfoot is so…there's no exact word to describe him. _**Exactly. That's how bad he is. **

-

Likes To: Eat, sleep, frolic around in my play dress in a repeating order. It's quite nice to have a breeze around your privates and run through the lush prairie grass and get some crazy pinching bug up your butt. Hurts like hell. 

**I, unfortunately, have seen this sight before, and it has consequently burned out my retinas. Kidding, but it was a gruesome sight. **Ooh, do tell! **Well, after Padfoot (this pains me to use this particular verb..) _pranced_ inside the dorm, he merely mooned me and asked me to rub some salve on his butt. **_Terrifying. I feel for you, Prongs. You have my utmost sympathy. _Did you do it? **I'm a gentleman! Of course I _didn't_. I just chucked it at his butt and told him to sod off. **_Well done. _Nice!

-

Favorite Marauder: Prongs is my favorite. Not that I don't love the rest of you guys. But, I've known Prongs since we were in diapers. Probably even before that. Which means that Prongs' parents were probably going at it about the same time my parents were—eurgh. Ew. Bad thoughts. 

**That's sweet. Except I didn't really want the thought of my parents having sex in my head, thanks. Urgh, that perverted boy. **_Thankfully, I didn't know him before Hogwarts. That's a good thing, isn't it? _**Not just a good thing, Moony. You were blessed. **How can you guys know each other when you're babies? Didn't Moony say that babies don't register long-term memories and stuff? That's odd. **Sigh. Padfoot was exaggerating, Wormy. Don't fret your head about it. **Okay.

-

Funniest Marauder: ME! I'm so adorably funny, and I say the weirdest things. Like, that toaster's doing some kinky things to that toast! Better go check it out___Check it out!_ Heh, I crack myself up. 

**This is why I claim that Padfoot should be sent to the nearest asylum for a thorough checkup. I believe he got dropped on his head as an infant. **_I don't doubt it. He's an odd fellow. _I think that he should talk to Professor Amelia Gayle. I have her address in my little book if he needs it. She works at the wizards asylum down in London. … … **Great, Wormtail! **_Excellent. _Er, yeah. I got it for him one day, you know. **Oh, okay. **_Right you are, Wormtail. _

-

Prettiest Marauder: Me. And this is not only when I'm in heels and a dress, thank you. I'm pretty all the time. And I like how my eyelashes curl naturally. And they're soo nice and _long_! I don't even have to use mascara most of the time. 

**Okay, that's _it_. **What? What are you going to do? _Steal his mascara? Don't tell me you're changing too, Prongs. _**Course not. I'm just sending a news piece to the Daily Prophet with the headline of: Unstable Boy Who Should Undergo a Sex Change.** _You forgot 'immediately'. _**Right.**

-

Most Handsome Marauder: Me. Prongs has that athletic guy thing going on, and Moony has the nice guy look…and Wormtail, well—Wormtail's just him. But me? I have the _looks_ that make people go crazy for me. 

**Hah, _sure_ he does. **_I like to think that I'm a nice guy, though. _You _are_ Moony! _Thanks, Wormtail. _What about me? _Er, well…Prongs? _**You're a really…wormy guy. **Oh. Thanks.

-

Loudest Marauder: **MEEEEEEE! **Hopefully, everyone in the three-mile radius could hear me. Actually, I dunno, maybe I better shout again, because I don't think that bloke with pillows up his ears heard me. Oh wait, that's just Moony. 

_Eurgh. My ear drums are still bleeding magnificently from that one. _**How does he raise his voice so loudly? Honestly, I can't imagine my voice that boisterous without having the 'Sonorus' spell. **Yeah, that's pretty amazing.

-

Craziest Marauder: Uh, me. I'm such an inspiring and creative person. By the way, did you know that licking jello mix can make you run faster? It's been proven…by me. 

**He's a wacky one. **_I don't doubt this at all. _**How come I'm the one that has to participate in these stupid things that Padfoot gets himself into?**I dunno. _You love him, Prongs. _**That was quite sappy…and please excuse me as I hurl all my lunch contents on your nice sandy blond hair. It has great volume. **_AHH! Prongs, you're becoming Padfoot!_ **Merlin's beard! **_Hah, that distracted him. _

-

Most Shy: Me, hah, just kidding. Far from it. WORMY! 

Everyone thinks so. **Don't feel bad, Wormy. There's still my survey to write, and I might not put you down here. **Really? **Well, there's at least a 0.01 chance that I won't, so… **Oh, okay. That's good. Thanks for giving me a chance, Prongs! **Anytime, mate! **_Sigh. The poor person. _

-

Most Loving: I'm extremely loving. Wink. Psssh, I beat Moony any day. 

_Er, depending on what his definition is, I don't think I'm commenting on this one. _**Agreed, you might land yourself in a big puddle of bug juice. **Why bug juice? **It's some sticky business. Har. **

-

Most Understanding: Moony. I think I'm going to go over and give him an extra big hug. He's the only one that—sobs—understands me. 

_Schizophrenia, anyone? Bi-polar? _**I think all. And more. **That can't be good. **No, Wormtail, it can't. **

-

Most Boring: Er, probably Wormtail. Sorry, mate. 

Again…so guys. **Yeah, he's right. **Oh. _You're so insensitive, Prongs. You're not boring, Wormtail. You're just ordinary. It's good to be ordinary. _**Mmm hmm. **

-

Richest: Well, it sadly enough, used to be me, but now that I'm finally out of the madhouse, it's definitely Prongs. YES!

**Hmm**. _Again, he's a bit touched in the head. _**More like a bit punched in the head. **

-

Most Athletic: As much as I hate to admit it, Prongs is a _wee_ bit more lean than me. Probably one-tenth of an ounce more lean. Hmpth. 

**Ahem. About 10 times more lean, it seems like. **_Mr. I-Have-No-Pudge-Whatsoever_. Hey, I was the one that coined that, wasn't I? **Yes, you did. Great job! **_Excellent! _Thanks!

-

Most Cocky: Me! Like I said before, WHO HAS A COCK, HUH? WHO HAS ONE? 

_For very obvious reasons, I will refrain from commenting on this particular question in case I cannot overcome my laughter, which will most likely result in the breaking of my precious quill. _**Good choice, Moony. I think I will do that as well. **Um, me too!

-

Biggest Sex Icon: Uh, me! Who do you think has shagged the most out of anyone in the Marauders? Actually, we've all done the same amount. Which is…I'll leave you to figure it out. Winks very suggestively. Keep in mind that this is including Wormtail. Hint, hint. 

_ I believe that he just suggested we had sexual intercourse at least forty-six times. _**The horror! Our names are soiled. That pillock. **But I haven't had sex before. **WORMTAIL! **_You just blatantly told everyone that each Marauder is a virgin! _Oh, oops. **Our names are _really_ ruined. **_Sigh. _

-

**What Do You Think About When You Hear… **

Girls: Hot, sexy, drool. 

_Eloquent, isn't he? _**Quite. I'm surprised he can think of THREE things though. That's an improvement. **Yeah, I would've thought of only two or something. **Wormy, Wormy, Wormy. What will we ever do with you? **I dunno. Just don't chuck me in a suit of armor, please.

-

Giraffe: Tall thingies. Really tall. Munch on leaves. Live near big gray things called ellyfaints. 

_Oh, Merlin! Merlin, I have never been so scandalized in my life. ELLYFAINTS? _**Er, did he get the terms wrong again? **_ELEPHANTS_! _Is he daft or what? He is in Muggle Studies with me! _**It's Padfoot, Moony. Don't have too high expectations for him. **_You're right_.

In and out. In and out. In and out. **WHAT? **I was telling him to breathe. _Oh. It sounded slightly suggestive, which had me greatly alarmed. _**Me as well. Thank Merlin. **

-

Gorilla: How come these animals all live in the safari? Weird. Big ape thing. Reminds me of Prongs. Heh, kidding. 

**I am an ape? An APE? **_Remember what you told me. It's Padfoot we're talking about. _**Yeah, that's true. **You're not mad, Prongs? Do I need to tell you to go 'in and— **NO! That's quite fine, thanks. **Okay!

-

Ghost: Smoky, transparent thingy. Or, if you want to be like Professor Pippowaddles, who claims it's 'one who leaves an imprint of their soul to walk upon the earth.' Psh. 

_I can somehow imagine his face screwed up with annoyance as he wrote down that quote. _**Har, I remember that he kept bursting out in laughter at the start of the term when he had to address him. "Professor Pip—_oh, HAH! _PippoWADDLES! _Oh, dearie me! _That's the worst—har, har—name in the world!" **Yeah, he got in loads of detentions for that one.

-

Grass: Rhymes with as—just kidding. Um, green stuff. Poky. Makes this weird high-pitched whistling thing if you blow really hard. And if you sniff it up…well. You'll see what happens. 

**I have no frank idea who this odd person is. **Who, Padfoot? _What is this 'Padfoot' you speak of?_ **Can it breathe? Ingest food? Snore? Speak? Dance with hula hoops? **All of the above. _Er…_**Interesting. **

-

Gay: Not me! Someone who likes pink, frilly umbrellas and wears womanly items would be homosexual. But that is excluding me, of course. OF COURSE. 

**All hail, Queen Cleopatra. **Does this refer back to the 'Nile/Denial' thing? _You're catching on rather quickly. Great job, Wormtail. _Thanks!

-

Ginger: My favorite scent of lotion to use on the back of my elbows and knees is called Ginger Citrus Lotion. Smells divine! Here, have some. 

**I was once brutally assaulted with this particular lotion. It's given me nightmares. **What happened, Prongs? _Talking about it might make you feel better_. **Well, it was a really sunny day, and after an exceedingly long Quidditch practice, my nose was peeling horribly. Well, _someone_ happened to carry around a 10 kilogram bottle of lotion and decided to attack my nose with it. I had to endure three hours of it. Horrid. **Did the talking help? _Seeing as he is crying most bitterly, I think it just refreshed his memory and caused more trauma. _Poor Prongs.

-

Guppy: A cute little fish that smells a bit funny. Well, I suppose it would smell funny if it had to swim in all that nasty food remains, feces (poop), urine (pee), and weird stuff. Bad life, those fishes have.

**I've seen him dunk his head into the toilet, so I suppose that fish bowls wouldn't smell nearly as bad as that. **_Oh, right! There was that one time Peter forgot to flush the toilet…and Padfoot ran over and promptly stuck his head in without looking. I remember the bloodcurdling screams. _Yeah, they were horrible. I couldn't sleep right. Or maybe it was the fact that he chased with a paddle and kept whacking me so that I had bruises all over. **Probably the latter. He's a rough one**.

-

Great: Friend. By the way, in case you didn't have any friends, here's a good tip on how to make a friend. Grab a flower pot or heavy object and chuck it out of your window. Wait for it to hit someone, and once it does, rush out, and say, "HEY! I'M (insert name here)!" That's how Wormtail and us met! Great memories.

I dunno if I should say this, but that kinda hurt. _I can imagine so. _**Unfortunately, this is quite similar to how Padfoot and I met when we were little. He dropped a book on my head. **_It seems that I am the only one who's been lucked out. _No, he did that to you too. He told me. His best one, he believes. _Er, how come I don't remember this? _**Because, Moony, he threw a lead cauldron on your head during our very first Potions class. You were in the hospital for a week with a concussion. **Yeah, I would be surprised if you _did_ remember it.

-

Glaciers: Bad memory. Once, Prongs got **really, really** mad at me and somehow transported me to  Antarctica, where there were millions of glaciers, for a whole day. I did make friends with some penguins though. (Yes, with the chucking method! It works, I told you.) Except the polar bears weren't as friendly when I chucked blocks of ice at them. Feisty things, they are. I suspect it's the blubber in them. 

** I forgot how I did that, exactly. But I sure wish I could do this every day. **_McGonagall might be ticked off. She, oddly enough, has a soft spot for him_. Yeah, he's brilliant at everything. **Why didn't a polar bear gobble him up? **_Honestly. _**And aren't penguins carnivorous? I'm sure that Padfoot smells a bit like fish, with him plunging his fat head into aquariums. **_Very true. _

-

Most Embarrassing Moment: Me? _Embarrassed? _Bahah! That's funny.It's Padfoot. I don't _ever_ get embarrassed. Oh, all right. There was that one time…I sneezed all over a girl when we were snogging. That was pretty bad. Especially 'cause it was the wet kind. The one that makes you think a massive typhoon's coming, and you protect yourself by jabbing an umbrella in the other person's eye. Which, is what happened to me. And that might explain why I've been having bouts of blindness. Hmm. 

_I was walking into the Common Room and happened to see this prized moment. It was hilarious. _**I can't believe I missed it! **Me too! _Oh, I replay it every time I need something to laugh at. _**Good guy you are, Moony. **

-

Murdered Anyone Lately: Um, I dunno. I can't recall, really. Moony says I sleepwalk a lot and wander off and come back with red, drippy stuff on my hands, but I've smelt it before, and I think it's just ketchup. Hopefully, anyways…

_I worry. Sometimes he has a large butcher knife in his hand. _**Maybe he's just cutting up an extremely large hotdog that was drenched in ketchup. **_Would he be carrying around a suspicious black trash bag that has things sticking out that look oddly like human limbs? _**Er. Good question. **I think I'm moving into the dorm room next door. **Good thinking. **_I think we ALL should. _**Mass murderer! He'll get thrown into Azkaban before long, that one. **

-

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: Oh, I've always wanted to be a writer. I'm going to post my story that I wrote on my ideal, heroic death: 

**His story was a bit sad, though, I must admit. **Prongs, you were practically bawling. _I do suppose we all like him, even if he is the weirdest psychotic mass killer I've ever met. _**Well, I suppose. **Aww.

**Thank Merlin this is over! **

* * *

Author's Note:

Sorry for the late, _late_ update. My parents wouldn't let me near the computer after I got my SAT scores back…horrid they were. Eurgh. Hate testing with a passion.

Sorry again! Hope you enjoyed this. James is next!

**IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAMES SECTION IN THE BACK OF THIS 'BOOK' (READ THE PREFACE IN CASE YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT), PLEASE LEAVE THE NAME YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE IN A REVIEW. I WILL COMPILE THEM, AND IT WILL BE IN THE LAST ENTRY OF THIS STORY. AFTER I HAVE POSTED THE FINAL ENTRY OF THE STORY, I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE NAMES TO THE LIST. Sorry. **

**YOU MAY ALSO ADD WHOEVER YOU LIKE THE MOST ALONG WITH YOUR NAME, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. PLEASE KEEP THIS VERY SHORT. MAX OF 10 WORDS. THANKS! **

**I accept anonymous reviews**!

And if you haven't already, please check out my first one-shot, **_A Newt, Anyone_**? It's not as funny, but I wrote it anyways. Please give feedback. Thanks!

To the people who asked why I separate the survey and the comments: I update fast this way, but for future readers, I will organize it so that they are in one chapter for easier reading. Thanks for the suggestion!


	8. IV: Prongs

**Marauders 101

* * *

**

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

* * *

**Part Eight.

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts**

**IV: Prongs

* * *

**

Name: **Prongs.** **Short and sweet. **

Nicknames: **A horrid assortment (mostly by dear Padfoot) that includes, but is definitely not limited to: Prongsie, Prongsie love, Prongsie-poo, Prongsie dearest, Pwong-see! **

Birthday: **October 21st. Erm, yeah. **

Hair Color: **Black. Messy, it is. _Really_ messy, mind you. **

Eye Color: **Hazelish-looking, I believe. I'm not one to stare into my mirror for long hours, like _Padfoot. _Honestly. **

Height: **6' 2''. I'm the tallest one, obviously. **

Favorite Color: **Seeing as I have no feminine traits _whatsoever_, I will stick with the customary favorite color males usually give as an answer: blue. **

Favorite Food: **Bouillabaisse. The French seafood soup thing. And it's dreadfully fun to attempt to pronounce. Boil-lah-base! Except Padfoot claims it's something like bwee-lah-bahse. He always makes it so hard to understand. Mm, I like mine better anyways. **

Favorite Phrase: **"I LOVE LILY MARIE EVANS!" or "WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME _THIS_ TIME, LILY?" **

Favorite Sport: **QUIDDITCH. QUIDDITCH. QUIDDITCH. DO I NEED TO SAY ANYMORE? Besides, I look bloody _sexy_ when I ride on that broom. **

Pets: **I had a pigeon before. The same one that tried to lay an egg in my hair. It was disposed of. (By Padfoot). I'm not sure exactly how he did it, but the feathers that were sticking out of his mouth afterwards made me oddly suspicious of what he did. Hmm. Anyways, I have a barn owl now. Its name is Mister Balagados. **

Piercings: **I'm afraid not. Though I'd _love_ to 'accidentally' pierce Padfoot's eyeball sometimes. Wouldn't it be _funny_? **

Tattoos: **If I did get a tattoo, you can bet your rusty Galleon that it will say, 'I love Lily.' **

Broken Any Bones: **What do you expect? I hang around _Padfoot_. That word alone explains enough. **

Been Shot/Stabbed: **Again, one word. Padfoot. **

Girlfriend: **It's going to be Lily. I can _feel_ it. Well, it _will _be after I find out how to get her to unhate me. Sigh. It might be a while. **

Likes To: **Look at Lily's hair. Stare at Lily's arse. Glance at Lily's boobies when she's not looking. Gaze at Lily's legs. Watch Lily do something important, like flick her nose in annoyance or stab angrily with repeated attempts at her apple pie. I believe the two cases were because of me. I'm _loved_! **

Favorite Marauder: **I must admit, it would be Padfoot. Without him around, life would be rather…dull. Safe and cautious, but a bit boring. I dunno, though, I'm thinking I'm starting to like the quiet side of things..**

Funniest Marauder: **Sigh. Padfoot does make me laugh occasionally. Occasionally being about fifteen times per minute. **

Prettiest Marauder: **This one is just _wrong_. Therefore, I adamantly refuse to answer this question. **

Most Handsome Marauder: **Ah, but beauty is only skin deep. That was really cheesy, wasn't it? Garrgh, let me go gag myself with a napkin, please. **

Loudest Marauder: **Padfoot. There _is _a reason why we all go around wearing those Muggle-made ear-plugs that Moony found for us. Thank Merlin. **

Craziest Marauder: **Argh. Padfoot. Sometimes he makes _other_ people go crazy. **

Most Shy: **Sorry, Wormtail. I'm not one to lie. It's Wormy. **

Most Loving: **Er, I don't know anyone of our group that's truly 'loving', but Moony is quite the compassionate one. I saw him kissing some blade of grass or something once. He must've accidentally stepped on it. Weird bloke. **

Most Understanding: **Moony. Thanks to him, Lily and I are somewhat closer to getting together. She hates me still, but she doesn't scream that much anymore when I approach her. That's good, isn't it? **

Most Boring: **Er, yeah, Wormy it is. **

Richest: **I dunno. I think maybe me. **

Most Athletic: **Me. **

Most Cocky: **Er, Padfoot. And me around Lily, yes. **

Biggest Sex Icon: **I'm not sure about that. Ask a girl, will you? **

**What Do You Think About When You Hear…**

Lake: **Best spot in the world to find Lily. The wind blows gently behind her and teases her hair most artistically. The sun shines through her eyes, making our gaze crackle with electricity. The cool air softens her appearance, making her absolutely beautiful. That's the lake for you, m'dears. **

Love Potion: **Hmm, this is a good idea. I think I should try it out on Lily. **

Laryngitis: **La-who? Merlin, what's this? It's sounds like one of those weird animals that used to be on Earth…diny-Seers or something of the sort. **

Lazy: **Uh, Padfoot. **

Lily: **Blessed jewel of my heart, how can I say how you dazzle me so with your everlasting scintillation? **

Lesbian: **Erm, Padfoot came to my mind first thing. Odd. But it also can mean 'an inhabitant of Lesbos'! Bet you didn't know that. Hmm. Is Padfoot actually a _girl_? This is disturbing me. _Must remember not think such thoughts. _Ahh! **

Lace: **Padfoot used to sew these dreadfully weird things on to his robes, saying it made them look utterly '_precious'_. He's had a hard life, that one. I wonder how he'll turn out. **

Libido: **I can't say anything, because I am a gentleman. But I _am_ a male, so I offer one word. Flower. Ahem, ahem. **

Little: **Padfoot. Har, har. I'll just leave my answer be. I want to see the incredulous look on Padfoot's face when he reads that. Har! **

Library: **I heard that Lily comes here a lot. Which reminds me that I really need to find out where it is. Maybe I can tag after Moony. **

Most Embarrassing Moment: **I think it was the 293rd time that Lily rejected me. I forgot how it was though, but I'm pretty sure it was embarrassing. Otherwise, I wouldn't remember that it was the 293rd time. Or was it the 294th time?**

Murdered Anyone Lately: **I've come close to murdering two males with black hair and names both starting with the letter 's'. How surreal. _Simply _weird. **

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: **I LOVEEEEEE YOU, LILY! **

_Well, this ought to be interesting. _In agreement. Oh, I can't wait! Is Prongs the last Marauder? No, there's that fifth one you forgot. A fifth one? Who? You thick troll. I was _kidding._

_Padfoot, be nice. _Yes, **Moomy**. _Excuse me? _Er, common mistake. Moony.

Till we write again!

* * *

Author's Note:

Commentary's next! More reviews, please!

**IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAMES SECTION IN THE BACK OF THIS 'BOOK' (READ THE PREFACE IN CASE YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT), PLEASE LEAVE THE NAME YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE IN A REVIEW. I WILL COMPILE THEM, AND IT WILL BE IN THE LAST ENTRY OF THIS STORY. AFTER I HAVE POSTED THE FINAL ENTRY OF THE STORY, I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE NAMES TO THE LIST. Sorry. **

**YOU MAY ALSO ADD WHOEVER YOU LIKE THE MOST ALONG WITH YOUR NAME, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. PLEASE KEEP THIS VERY SHORT. MAX OF 10 WORDS. THANKS!**

**I accept anonymous reviews**!

And if you haven't already, please check out my other stories! Thanks.


	9. IV: Marauders' Commentary

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

**Part Nine.

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts**

**IV: Commentary

* * *

**

Name: **Prongs.** **Short and sweet. **

_Notice the Prongs approach. He was very straight-forward and succinct. None of this punctuation business that some people tend to elaborate excessively on. _Ahem, Moony. I believe that was directed towards me? Well, I happen to think that punctuation is an extremely important part of the English language, Mr. Grammar-Fanatic. _Good for you, Mr. Punctuation-Whore_. There is an odd, stunned silence as neither person picks up the quill to write. Therefore, I, Wormtail, will explain for the benefit of the readers. MOONY! That was _horrible!_ I can't believe you even _know_ the word. _There is much you have the faintest clue of, dear Padfoot. _So I see..

-

Nicknames: **A horrid assortment (mostly by dear Padfoot) that includes, but is definitely not limited to: Prongsie, Prongsie love, Prongsie-poo, Prongsie dearest, Pwong-see! **

I think they're dear. _Quite dear. So precious that Prongs cringes and ducks behind the armchair every time you holler one of his blessed nicknames across the room. _Does he really? Yeah, he gets this scared-rabbity look in his eyes and then, POOF, he's gone. Like magic. _Like magic. _

-

Birthday: **October 21st. Erm, yeah. **

I still can't get over how he's the oldest _and_ the tallest! It's rather unfair. _That's just how life is, Padfoot. One must learn to deal with it._ So life's a deck of cards? _Not literally, Wormtail. Deal means to—to…_HAH! WORMTAIL HAS CAUSED MOONY TO GO INTO A BOUT OF SILENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE AS MOONY ATTEMPTS TO SEARCH FOR THE CORRECT WORD! _Shut up, Padfoot. _

Hair Color: **Black. Messy, it is. _Really_ messy, mind you. **

We know, Prongs, we _know_. Who styles your hair every morning? _Er, no one that I know of…_Oh, don't be shy, Moony, I know you've always wanted to play a prank on Prongsie! _I'm afraid, Padfoot, that I don't mess his hair up every morning._ Oh. What about you, Wormy? No, not me either. Well, that's weird. His hair is seriously screwed. I thought someone was trying to be funny.

-

Eye Color: **Hazelish-looking, I believe. I'm not one to stare into my mirror for long hours, like _Padfoot. _Honestly. **

_I fully agree with Prongs on this one. Even though he used 'hazelish-looking' as a word. Abominable! _Do all of you guys know that I gaze into Merelia for 3.762 hours per day? Who's Merelia? My mirror. _You named your mirror? _Well, yes! _You're hopeless, Padfoot. Hopeless. _I happen to think it's a darling mirror, Moomy, honestly. _Mm. Right. Why don't you go and prance around with Miss Merelia? _I think I might.

-

Height: **6' 2''. I'm the tallest one, obviously. **

Once again, unfair! _Once again, Padfoot has the immaturity rate of a two year-old. _Now, Moomy, _really_…_Padfoot, stop calling me that! I'm not your Mum. _I need a motherly role model in my life, Moomy, and I chose you! Should Moony be honored? Of course! _I'm FEMALE. FEMALE. That is bloody weird to say._

-

Favorite Color: **Seeing as I have no feminine traits _whatsoever_, I will stick with the customary favorite color males usually give as an answer: blue. **

_Good choice. _Prongs is afraid of embracing his inner feminism and actually turning out gay. Ooh, that was deep, Padfoot! I know. _I seriously doubt that Prongs is of the homosexual nature. But then again…there's Padfoot._. What of me, sorry? _It'd do you better if you didn't know. _Okay.

-

Favorite Food: **Bouillabaisse. The French seafood soup thing. And it's dreadfully fun to attempt to pronounce. Boil-lah-base! Except Padfoot claims it's something like bwee-lah-bahse. He always makes it so hard to understand. Mm, I like mine better anyways. **

Prongs should never, _ever_, be allowed to enter the country of France. He will be shot down with fireworks if he does so due to his horrible, incoherent accent he possesses. Blimey! He really sucks that bad? _Apparently, Padfoot is a master of the Romantic language. _Mais oui, bien sûr! Je suis un expert, Monsieur Moomy! C'est très facile. _Er, right. I think he's referring to the lessons he gives in abandoned, dark broom cupboards late into the night. _But…he snogs then, Moomy—I mean, Moony. _That's what I mean. _Oh.

-

Favorite Phrase: **"I LOVE LILY MARIE EVANS!" or "WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME _THIS_ TIME, LILY?" **

_It's quite sad how much he chases after her, really. I haven't counted, but it seems a myriad. _It's about the 207th time this month. Aw, poor Prongs. Yeah, you would think by the 118th time, _maybe_, he'd be successful, but…sigh. _Dear, dear Prongs. _

-

Favorite Sport: **QUIDDITCH. QUIDDITCH. QUIDDITCH. DO I NEED TO SAY ANYMORE? Besides, I look bloody _sexy_ when I ride on that broom. **

Har, har! This could be taken very suggestively. Shall I explain? _Er, I'd rather you not, Padfoot. I've just downed a meal. _Prude! Let me continue anyways. He rides his _own_ stick! Ah, har! Isn't that hilarious? I think Moony's choking. He's turning a tad bit too blue for his normal complexion. That's bad, isn't it? Only one thing to do! Muggle CRAP! _CPR! No, thank you, Padfoot! I'm quite fine without dog breath today!_ It always works, Padfoot. Good job! Thanks.

-

Pets: **I had a pigeon before. The same one that tried to lay an egg in my hair. It was disposed of. (By Padfoot). I'm not sure exactly how he did it, but the feathers that were sticking out of his mouth afterwards made me oddly suspicious of what he did. Hmm. Anyways, I have a barn owl now. Its name is Mister Balagados. **

It was quite tasty. What was, the pigeon? You really ate it? _Honestly. Have some respect for our fellow organisms! Animal cruelty, I say. _Prats! I was talking about the pastry I just had. Of course I didn't have pigeon. Oh. _Really? _Well, I can't remember. Maybe it was that thing that tasted like duck. _He definitely ate it. _Agreed. _Thank Merlin that Mister Balagados is a bit too lean for Padfoot's liking. Otherwise, bye-bye, Prongs's second pet! _Mmm, I believe you're quite right, Moony. _Always_.

-

Piercings: **I'm afraid not. Though I'd _love_ to 'accidentally' pierce Padfoot's eyeball sometimes. Wouldn't it be _funny_? **

_Haha! Prongs is quite an imaginative one. _He wouldn't be able to blink down! His eyes would water repeatedly. That would be a sight to see! Ahem. S'cuse me, but I believe that I'm _still here_. _Right. And what's the problem, Padfoot? _I'm HERE! Don't talk about me while I'm here—THAT DOESN'T MEAN TO DISCUSS ME ACROSS THE ROOM! I CAN STILL LIP-READ, YOU KNOW! ARSES!

-

Tattoos: **If I did get a tattoo, you can bet your rusty Galleon that it will say, 'I love Lily.' **

I don't reckon I _have_ a rusty Galleon. _It's all right, Wormtail. It's just a figure of speech. _Does Prongs really have this somewhere on his body? _I have the faintest clue. Why don't you go find out? _You know, I think I might. 

-

Broken Any Bones: **What do you expect? I hang around _Padfoot_. That word alone explains enough. **

What is THIS supposed to mean? That you're somehow linked to breaking Prongs's bones? Shut up, Wormy. You asked! _Calm down, Wormtail. You might get a few broken bones yourself if you don't stay quiet. Just nod and smile. _Okay.

_-_

Been Shot/Stabbed: **Again, one word. Padfoot. **

Again, it seems that one can infer that I have a violent streak in me or something. _No comment, and promptly hides. _I cower in fear of the wrath of Padfoot.

-

Girlfriend: **It's going to be Lily. I can _feel_ it. Well, it _will _be after I find out how to get her to unhate me. Sigh. It might be a while. **

This is pathetic. I say, seize the day-capey dime or whatever-and just snog her senseless. _Carpe diem, Padfoot. Really, what _**do** _you do in Muggle Studies? _Observe girls' arses and the roundness of each. Count how many girls are kissable with my favorite type of lip shine I like for them to use. Oh yeah, I remember you handing out complimentary strawberry-banana lip balms one day in class. That's the one!

-

Likes To: **Look at Lily's hair. Stare at Lily's arse. Glance at Lily's boobies when she's not looking. Gaze at Lily's legs. Watch Lily do something important, like flick her nose in annoyance or stab angrily with repeated attempts at her apple pie. I believe the two cases were because of me. I'm _loved_! **

Cute. Obsessive disorder. _A small case, I think. _Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all…you know, sometimes I worry. What if Prongs decides that he can't take it anymore and then lunges at her, and r—_Prongs isn't stupid! He wouldn't rape her, Padfoot!_ I was going to say 'and recites love poems to her if he cracks under the pressure.' _Right. _

-

Favorite Marauder: **I must admit, it would be Padfoot. Without him around, life would be rather…dull. Safe and cautious, but a bit boring. I dunno, though, I'm thinking I'm starting to like the quiet side of things..**

He's a wild child himself, that one. Ah, what would he do without me? He might be a bit smarter, but you know. _Mature. _I'm a good thing! I'm funny. _Yes, and unintelligent at times, lazy arse, disgusting eater, and stubbornly-refusing-that-you're-gay-type-cross dresser. _AM NOT. _I prove my point. _

-

Funniest Marauder: **Sigh. Padfoot does make me laugh occasionally. Occasionally being about fifteen times per minute. **

Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm the funny one! Here's a joke. Erm—why did Mrs. Steak hug Mr. Steak and start sobbing their eyes out when they saw each other? Um, I dunno, Padfoot. That's hard. _This is going to be one of those weird, cheesy jokes he tells in the Common Room on weekends. _Of course not! **It was a _rare_ chance**! Oh, _hah_, I'm deliciously funny!

-

Prettiest Marauder: **This one is just _wrong_. Therefore, I adamantly refuse to answer this question. **

_Good thinking. _I still think that Padfoot's quite pretty. Prongs isn't manly enough either. What IS it with the rest of my Marauders? Let's all just admit that I'm pretty. It's not hard—Worm's already done it. Well? Moomy? _On my death bed. _Spoilsport. 

-

Most Handsome Marauder: **Ah, but beauty is only skin deep. That was really cheesy, wasn't it? Garrgh, let me go gag myself with a napkin, please. **

He looks a bit purple and oddly still. I think he really choked himself dead. _At least Prongs died a noble death. _What, snuffing it out on napkins? _Please_.—And thank you are the magic words! _Um. _RIGHT! So, going on..

-

Loudest Marauder: **Padfoot. There _is _a reason why we all go around wearing those Muggle-made ear-plugs that Moony found for us. Thank Merlin. **

Ah, so THAT'S what they're for. I thought so. _Bugger it! We have to find something new now. Crap. _Maybe we can wipe Padfoot's mind. _Well…that's an idea. Too bad he's already hid himself. _

-

Craziest Marauder: **Argh. Padfoot. Sometimes he makes _other_ people go crazy. **

_Agreed_. Agreed. Agreed._ You agree with this, Padfoot? _Oh, yes, I don't deny the effect I have on people. I'm most influential, you see.

-

Most Shy: **Sorry, Wormtail. I'm not one to lie. It's Wormy. **

This is the fourth one. I think I've won this one! _Great! Congrats, Wormtail. _Yeah, bloody awesome job.

-

Most Loving: **Er, I don't know anyone of our group that's truly 'loving', but Moony is quite the compassionate one. I saw him kissing some blade of grass or something once. He must've accidentally stepped on it. Weird bloke. **

_I was NOT kissing a blade of grass, for your information! I was just closely observing the odd behavior of a ladybug. _Was it that day I smacked your arse and you fell down on your head really hard, and there was this monstrous crack of your neck, and you couldn't move from your odd position for hours? _Yes! And NO ONE bothered to SEND ME TO THE HOSPITAL WING, PADFOOT!_ Now really, Moomy, this anger of yours…you need management. _I THINK I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY WHEN MY NECK WAS BROKEN IN THREE PLACES AND SOMEONE JUST HAPPENED TO STAND BESIDE ME AND HARASS ME WITH COMMENTS ABOUT MY WEIRD POSITION!_ Uh, oh. IN AND OUT. IN AND—_No, Wormtail! _Okay.

-

Most Understanding: **Moony. Thanks to him, Lily and I are somewhat closer to getting together. She hates me still, but she doesn't scream that much anymore when I approach her. That's good, isn't it? **

_I think it's best that I don't inform him that I Silence Lily every time she comes around. A stab at his confidence. _Ah, it's okay. I'll tell him. _Why do I even bother to say these things? Of course Prongs always finds out in the end. _It's all right, Moony.

-

Most Boring: **Er, yeah, Wormy it is. **

Me again! _Yes, good job. _Excellent! You'll be famous for that one for sure.

-

Richest: **I dunno. I think maybe me. **

I dunno. I think maybe so. _Yes, it's Prongs. _Maybe he'll buy me a new cauldron.

-

Most Athletic: **Me. **

PSSSSH! I'm quite athletic as well, thank you. _I'm not even going to say anything_. Are you referring to the pud—I HAVE NO PUDGE! NO PUDGE!

-

Most Cocky: **Er, Padfoot. And me around Lily, yes. **

WHO HAS A C—_COCK. Yes, we know, Padfoot. It's getting a bit old, don't you think? Just admit that you have pudge as well and get it over with. Understanding is a big part of healing in depression_. I don't suffer from some crack-pot disease! … … How come no one's coming to my defense? Wormtail? Um, well…I dunno.

-

Biggest Sex Icon: **I'm not sure about that. Ask a girl, will you? **

It's me, hands down. I think that Moony has a lot as well. _Not me. No one should glance at me anyways. I'm a monster. _Nah, just a big, bad beast. _That's loads better, Padfoot. Thanks_. Anytime, Moomy. 

-

**What Do You Think About When You Hear…**

Lake: **Best spot in the world to find Lily. The wind blows gently behind her and teases her hair most artistically. The sun shines through her eyes, making our gaze crackle with electricity. The cool air softens her appearance, making her absolutely beautiful. That's the lake for you, m'dears. **

So. Is he describing a lake or Lily? _It seems more logical that he's talking about Lily. But then again, he could be very profound and say that 'her' refers to a lake, and he is actually describing the water surface or something of the sort. _It's Prongs, Moomy. Of _COURSE_ he's talking about Lily.

-

Love Potion: **Hmm, this is a good idea. I think I should try it out on Lily. **

_Doesn't he know that they're illegal? Say, things that can get him permanently in trouble with the wizarding authority? Is he mad? _Course not. He's just a bit touched in the head. Doesn't that mean the same thing? No, no. Mad means angry or furious, you know. Touched in the head means insane, crazy, ticket to an asylum. _Oh, of course. I should have clarified myself, honestly. _It's quite all right, Moomy. You're human—oh, er, part human. You can afford to make mistakes.

-

Laryngitis: **La-who? Merlin, what's this? It's sounds like one of those weird animals that used to be on Earth…diny-Seers or something of the sort. **

_Diny-Seers. Merlin, I think I can die from a cardiac arrest or extreme blood pressure levels. _Those are cute, you know. Those Diny-Seers. It's odd how muggles like to use hyphens in their words so much. Odd. You know what a Diny-Seer is, Padfoot? Of course. Those massive, dragon thingys with huge molars. Ah. _Merlin. Not only do you guys get the definition wrong, you actually **know** what they mean. _Isn't that a good thing? _No! That means that more and more people are associating the term 'Diny-Seer' with the animal whose name is 'dinosaur'! _Er, what? _Forget it. Go and Diny-Seer something. _Well, okay.. _No, I didn't mean it! Come back, PADFOOT! _

-

Lazy: **Uh, Padfoot. **

Uh, love you too, Prongs. Always. _That's adorable and sweet, Padfoot. _I always say that when I'm about to kick him in the balls. Oh. That's not very nice. _No, it's not. And Padfoot's not going to do it, is h—oh, bugger it. PADFOOT! For the second time, DON'T LEAVE THIS TABLE! Damn it, Prongs is royally **screwed. **_

-

Lily: **Blessed jewel of my heart, how can I say how you dazzle me so with your everlasting scintillation? **

_That's sweet of him. _Where did he learn all those weird words? _Me. _I dunno what half of them mean. _That's the beauty of it. _Prat.

-

Lesbian: **Erm, Padfoot came to my mind first thing. Odd. But it also can mean 'an inhabitant of Lesbos'! Bet you didn't know that. Hmm. Is Padfoot actually a _girl_? This is disturbing me. _Must remember not think such thoughts. _Ahh! **

I have never been so offended! _Well, it's all right. You might not be a girl. Who knows? _No! He said I hailed from Lesbos! I was fully raised here in London, thanks! You're more offended that you're considered an inhabitant of Lesbos than as a girl liking other girls? Well, yes! What is Lesbos people aren't pretty? That would be dreadful. _My God. Is he admitting he's a girl? I don't know if I want to participate in this conversation any longer. _I am male. Testerone-filled. Pen—_Okay. You are. _

-

Lace: **Padfoot used to sew these dreadfully weird things on to his robes, saying it made them look utterly '_precious'_. He's had a hard life, that one. I wonder how he'll turn out. **

_Er. This is taking it a bit **too** far, Padfoot. Lace? _It's pretty, Moomy. Looks quite similar to dried snowflakes. IS there such a thing as dried snowflakes? _No. Padfoot's just being…himself. _

-

Libido: **I can't say anything, because I am a gentleman. But I _am_ a male, so I offer one word. Flower. Ahem, ahem. **

_This is just a weird conversation to be having. I seriously do not want to be involved in Prongs's sex life. Or lack of one. Whichever. _Prongs wants to shag Lily senseless? _PADFOOT!_ What? I think Moony's a bit tired. He's really rubbing at his temples. That's not good. He needs my massaging hands. They work wonders.. _STOP! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP! _Headache cured!

-

Little: **Padfoot. Har, har. I'll just leave my answer be. I want to see the incredulous look on Padfoot's face when he reads that. Har! **

EXCUSE ME? LITTLE? MOI? _Yes, I believe when he says 'Padfoot', he is referring to you. _BUT THAT CAN'T BE! He's never seen! You mean you two haven't 'accidentally' peeked over at the other stall in the boys' loo to check? _WHAT? _WHAT! Oops. Shouldn't have mentioned it. I WILL STRIP DOWN TO MY LOVELY NAKENESS TONIGHT IN THE COMMON ROOM AND DISPLAY MY PRIDE AND JOY. HARRUMPH. That'll show him, Padfoot! _Oh, dear.._

-

Library: **I heard that Lily comes here a lot. Which reminds me that I really need to find out where it is. Maybe I can tag after Moony. **

_I would like to ask if any of the rest of the Marauders have any earthly clue where the library is. Any takers? _Er…Padfoot? Of course! Just—just follow Moomy! _Sigh. I'm thinking not. Yes, just follow me. _

-

Most Embarrassing Moment: **I think it was the 293rd time that Lily rejected me. I forgot how it was though, but I'm pretty sure it was embarrassing. Otherwise, I wouldn't remember that it was the 293rd time. Or was it the 294th time?**

They were all embarrassing, if you ask me. But I think the one where Prongs got down to his knees and dragged at Lily's feet, sobbing all the way, was a teensy bit more embarrassing than the rest. _Just a bit. That was sad. I actually felt bad for him. _Poor Prongs. He's really into her, isn't he? You think?

-

Murdered Anyone Lately: **I've come close to murdering two males with black hair and names both starting with the letter 's'. How surreal. _Simply _weird. **

Hey! Oddly enough, I fit that criteria! Interesting. But of course he wouldn't be talking about me! _Ahem. _Cough. _Snort. _Sneeze. What? Everyone's sick or something. _Dumb-arse. _Idiot. What? Oooh. Gotcha! Bashing on about Snivellus, aren't you? Yeah, I want to murder him too. _Sigh. _It's a lost case. What! 

-

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: **I LOVEEEEEE YOU, LILY! **

_May they eventually get together in the end_. Agreed. Maybe he'll finally stop being such a whipped pansy. Hopefully… Nah, it's Prongs. He's definitely a goner. _Sigh. _

Our joyous book! It's almost finished! I wonder how many girls will be crying over this…

* * *

Author's Note:

ALMOST DONE!

**LAST CHANCE TO PUT YOUR NAME IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK. NO OTHER ONES WILL BE ALLOWED ON AFTERWARDS. **

**YOU MAY ALSO ADD WHOEVER YOU LIKE THE MOST ALONG WITH YOUR NAME, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. PLEASE KEEP THIS VERY SHORT. MAX OF 10 WORDS. THANKS!**

**I accept anonymous reviews**!

And if you haven't already, please check out my other stories! Thanks.


	10. Tid Bits on Your Favorite Marauders

**Marauders 101**

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

It's DONE.

* * *

**Part Ten.

* * *

**

**Marauders 101:**

**An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts**

**Other Interesting Tid Bits on Your Favorite Marauder(s):

* * *

**

**Painfully Shy Wormtail:**

**Top 3 Places to Find This Marauder**: Dorm, common room, kitchens

"**Hello! How are you?"…(What he REALLY means)**: "Um. Hi. Merlin, what the crap am I supposed to say next?"

**Things That Can Substitute Oxygen**: Food, cheese, pillows

**Most Valuable Items**: A basket of cheese

**Things Currently In Pocket: **eraser, broken cookie crumbs, scrap of parchment

**Sole Wish**: Own a cheese shop/become the CEO of a recognized cheese shop

**-**

**Quiet, Sensitive Moony:**

**Top 3 Places to Find This Marauder**: Library, common room, kitchens

"**Hello! How are you?"… (What he REALLY means)**: "Hello! How are you?"

**Things That Can Substitute Oxygen**: Books, quills, knowledge

**Most Valuable Items**: The entire set of encyclopedia books on all magic-related items and spells

**Things Currently In Pocket: **spare quill, magically minimized book, reading glasses

**Sole Wish**: Read all the books ever printed

-

**Flamboyant, Handsome Padfoot:**

**Top 3 Places to Find This Marauder**: School kitchens, roomy cupboards, Astronomy Tower

"**Hello! How are you?"… (What he REALLY means)**: "There's a nice little cupboard on the floor below.."

**Things That Can Substitute Oxygen**: Girls, heels, cherry pies

**Most Valuable Items**: 500 galleon pair of Dior wedge high-heeled sandals, Best Snogger of Hogwarts Award

**Things Currently In Pocket: **lip balm, a piece of parchment with six names written on it, Dungbombs

**Sole Wish**: Own heels in every single color possible, so he may construct a rainbow.

-

**Charming, Sweet Prongs:**

**Top 3 Places to Find This Marauder**: Any place where Lily is, Quidditch field, kitchens

"**Hello! How are you?"… (What he REALLY means)**: "Hey. Seen Lily around?"

**Things That Can Substitute Oxygen**: Lily, Lily-observing, Quidditch

**Most Valuable Items**: Lily's right shoe, pair of lucky snitch knickers, broom

**Things Currently In Pocket: **Marauder's Map, invisibility cloak, snitch

**Sole Wish**: Go out with Lily. Get married to Lily. Live happily ever after with Lily.

* * *

_We have finished. _**Yep. Now you know every possible thing about us. **Perhaps more. Did you think I scared off enough girls with my adorable fetish for heels? Maybe.

Now, onto the most important thing of this book…

**Our fans. **

**

* * *

****BACK OF THE BOOK NAMES**: 

Congratulations to the following lovely and most beautiful girls in the world for reading and enjoying every single drip of ink we have used to pin our witty, charismatic words onto this book.

We give you a heartfelt salute.

Charmingly and forever yours,

The Marauders:

**Prongs**, Padfoot, _Moony_, and Wormtail

* * *

Please note, since there are simply **too** many names, we will display only the first eighty-two...

* * *

1. Nina (Padfoot…both paws down!)

2. Danielle Spielvogel (I HEART MOONY!)

3. Sylvia Snape (Behind Moony 112)

4. Alison

5. Kyra Smith-Cullen

6. Leslee Evangeline

7. Catie Sulliven

8. Sarah-Kate

9. Kameron Sellers

10. Vittoria Russo

11. Myranda

12. Lyra Haven (Sirius)

13. Cassidy Weir (sings Out of my dreams and into your arms I love to fly...)

14. Kyiana 'Kyi' Shadowwisper

15. Tegan (is madly in love with dear Remus)

16. Bella

17. Emma (JAMES IS HOTSOME! hugs, Emma)

18. Aleksandra

19. Sabrina Godfrey (Padfoot)

20. Meagan

21. Aqualila Jordange (Luv, Luv Luv Padfoot)

22. Cuthien

23. Kimberly (I love Moony ! Let's go for a howl sometime.)

24. Likari-chan

25. Natalia Maryne (Moony)

26. Lalita (I heart Prongs)

27. FREEMAN

28. naughty witch

29. Araya

30. Toasty Nut Muffin

31. Chelly (i like moony best because he's exactly like me!)

32. Kristy-chan (The oh-so handsome Remus! Yet again -swoon- I love him.)

33. Trisha Anderson

34. Prue Eliza Hutton (Sirius Black love)

35. Mamoray Potter (Ahem…the oh so smart and funny Moony!)

36. Rachel (Prongs)

37. Danielle-Lynn Herrel (Mr. Prongs is far better than Mr. Padfoot any day.)

38. Hazelra (Sirius is on fire! You're Smokin'! (Hopefully not literally) Hott!)

39. Julie Harder

40. Hifza Naz (I love Prongs and Moony! You guys are soo hott!)

41. Brittany Leigh Meredith

42. Lila H. A. Gringe (Sirius: just insane enough!)

43. Rosie Welling (Padfoot is my favorite. Even if he is ridiculous.)

44. Sydney Rose Morrison

45. Aurora O' Connell

46. Zainy (I think Mr Padfoot Rocks but Mr Prongs wins best marauder any day (and he's good looking))

47. Kindali Sidera (I am in love with Padfoot. He is deliciously hot.)

48. Hannah (Sirius Orion! I'd like to remind you that those are /my/ purple high heels you seem to enjoy so much.)

49. Akhil V.

50. Michael R.

51. Nicole B.

52. miwako

53. alex

54. Ashley

55. Allie Burns

56. Evangaline (guys in purple heels and form-fitting red dresses are sexy)

57. Ashley Dembinski (Sirius Freaking Black! It's Ash-ley! Ash-ley! Ash-ley! You better get your bloody head on straight because if you can't we're through! )

58. Leah Benson (Likes Remus the mostest:D)

59. Rofiah

60. Arielle

61. Kasey

62. Valerie

63. Julia (Moony)

64. Lila (Padfoot rocks!)

65. Adrienne Tucker – (Padfoot snogged me for my pink stilettos. I want them back.)

66. AJ Archer (Remus, dear, I need 99 Practical Uses for Mandragora Root and Wolfsbane back before Madam Pince tracks me down, does me in, and mounts my head on her mantle.)

67. hpobsessor

68. Lexi

69. x-pointless love

70. ta-daa

71. Shenavyre

72. PhoenixPhreak (To Sirius: You're hot, I'm hot. Let's snog.)

73. Breana Smith

74. Aimee (JP/LE shipper to the end)

75. Maya - Moony. And Padfoot (You just have to support the crossdresser.)

76. Lily/Wave (Moony/Moomy)

77. Avery loves Sirius Black. And James. And Remus, too.

78. Psymonia

79. Sarisa - Love ya Moony! Sensible, understanding guys are so hot :)

80. Lalix

81. Ivy Windails

82. Krise Valkyrite

* * *

Author's Note:

DONE!

I dunno. I'm thinking of adding some more stuff later on…or maybe doing something similar to this...we'll see. For now, it's complete.

I will only EDIT names, but I will not ADD on any more, unless it was my mistake.

If you do not see your name on here, and you submitted your name before I posted this, please tell me so I can add you on here! Sorry if I happened to do so.

Thanks!

Hope you guys have enjoyed this.


	11. AN

After a six year hiatus, I have returned! I would really appreciate some feedback on my piece, _Love Revisited_, which is something I am writing for a class. Please try it out! It's more serious than _Marauders 101_, but hopefully you all will enjoy it.

Harry and Ginny stumble upon a Wizarding World Commemoration of Love display, where they revisit the love story of Lily and James through a Pensieve. Learn how James manages to win over Lily through the couple's memories!

.net/s/8037648/1/Love_Revisited

(add 'fanfiction' to the front of the link listed above to check it out!)

neen.


End file.
